Yup. I got the call today. My name has been cleared, and I was asked to come back to work. Am I excited? Ehhh, yes and no. I had this week planned out already, now I'm going back to work....bummer.
The reporting agency was able to clear me out of a list of individuals, this time using my social security number. Gee! Wow! Ya think they would've done that to begin with. A-holes! Thanks for vacation.
I was at Disneyland today, for a lil while, then off to my counseling appointment. I was going to pursue a late night of dancing but will have to trade it in for Friday night. I'm still going out regardless. I was really hoping to go back Monday night, and I was second guessing going in tomorrow.
I got a new strap for my camera, and memory card. Woohoo! Next step, possibly this Friday. I'm looking at the 50mm/1.4 lens, for my camera. It's 430 bucks. I'm gonna weigh that one out until then.
Judging by the photos that I'm taking, I could really use a good low light lens, as well as a speed light, either 430ex or the 580ex.......a difference of 200 bucks or so between the two. I'm really having a lot of fun with this, and the comments that I've gotten from friends have helped me to really hone my skills and develop my eye.
Goin dancin. Wishe me luck.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Moving on for now
In light of everything else that has been going on. There is an opportunity to move forward, and I'm willing to take a step in that direction.
I've been going out dancing 2-3 times a week now, and have been noticing a few of the gals that have been showing up. Now I know that I've really been wanting some companionship, and that has not changed. I cannot/ will not stray from my marriage. I can't go down that route. I will not lead anyone on, I can't do that.
I want to go out and have some fun. I want someone I can call up and hangout with, whether it's dancing, Disneyland, etc. I don't want a relationship, just a companion, and unfortunately I don't feel like I can take my wife with me, and feel like I can have a good time. I feel that we have a lot of things to work through, and I feel that I have to be civil and tread lightly around her. That's not fun, and I'm getting too old for bullshit.
My wife has given me permission to date, while she figures herself out. She actually said, and I'm not making this up, she said "If you feel the need to date, go ahead and date, but am I going to be jealous, of course, I'm going to be jealous." Those were her words, word for word.
She also said, "Until I get my own place, I'm not going to be able to feel like I have a place of my own, where no one can kick me out." Well she hasn't exactly been saving money to get out from her parents. She has been spending. I have a better chance of moving out than her.
I really don't like who she has become. She lied to me, now she's lying to everyone else. Where does it stop?
Just today, she told me to keep a lid on it, if her mom asks me about whether or not she shared a room in Vegas. She went on to say, that it's none of her mom's business. Well honey....I'm not going to lie to your mom. It's not my business either. You need to square it up with your mom. It's not my fault your relationship is strained with your mom. You made your own bed...sleep in it, and keep me out.
Come back to me when you're ready to be mature, and you want to figure our shit out together.
Now let me clarify all this. I'm not doing this out of spite or frustration, but c'mon. I'm doing all the heavy lifting here, and I've yet to see my wife do anything to indicate otherwise that she's even interested in continuing the relationship. I feel that I can't talk to her about it without the conversation getting uncomfortable. We both agreed not to talk about the past, and I've stuck to it. She has been bringing up the past, and doesn't seem to be moving forward herself. I love her, and I feel sorry for her, but I have to keep moving forward, even if that means leaving her behind.
Will she catch up? Who knows? It has been over if not close to 3 months now, and I'm still hoping that we can eventually work things out, but it's the same story still. I'll keep working on myself in the meantime and move forward.
Anyway, there's a cute girl that has been showing up to Atomic lately. Really cute, great dancer. I was out dancing Friday night and talking with an old friend by the DJ booth. While we were talking, said girl was next to me within earshot. One of her friends come over and was talking to her, she asked, "Did he ask you to dance?", while pointing at me over her shoulder. She said, "No", then announced that she was going home. She grabbed her stuff, stuck around for a couple minutes then wen home. I let it go for now, but it left me guessing, and it made me feel good. It popped up in my head over the weekend, and I kept thinking about it, it made me feel good.
I'm going to ask this gal to dance a lil more often, get to know her, see where it goes. She seems like a cool gal.
I've been going out dancing 2-3 times a week now, and have been noticing a few of the gals that have been showing up. Now I know that I've really been wanting some companionship, and that has not changed. I cannot/ will not stray from my marriage. I can't go down that route. I will not lead anyone on, I can't do that.
I want to go out and have some fun. I want someone I can call up and hangout with, whether it's dancing, Disneyland, etc. I don't want a relationship, just a companion, and unfortunately I don't feel like I can take my wife with me, and feel like I can have a good time. I feel that we have a lot of things to work through, and I feel that I have to be civil and tread lightly around her. That's not fun, and I'm getting too old for bullshit.
My wife has given me permission to date, while she figures herself out. She actually said, and I'm not making this up, she said "If you feel the need to date, go ahead and date, but am I going to be jealous, of course, I'm going to be jealous." Those were her words, word for word.
She also said, "Until I get my own place, I'm not going to be able to feel like I have a place of my own, where no one can kick me out." Well she hasn't exactly been saving money to get out from her parents. She has been spending. I have a better chance of moving out than her.
I really don't like who she has become. She lied to me, now she's lying to everyone else. Where does it stop?
Just today, she told me to keep a lid on it, if her mom asks me about whether or not she shared a room in Vegas. She went on to say, that it's none of her mom's business. Well honey....I'm not going to lie to your mom. It's not my business either. You need to square it up with your mom. It's not my fault your relationship is strained with your mom. You made your own bed...sleep in it, and keep me out.
Come back to me when you're ready to be mature, and you want to figure our shit out together.
Now let me clarify all this. I'm not doing this out of spite or frustration, but c'mon. I'm doing all the heavy lifting here, and I've yet to see my wife do anything to indicate otherwise that she's even interested in continuing the relationship. I feel that I can't talk to her about it without the conversation getting uncomfortable. We both agreed not to talk about the past, and I've stuck to it. She has been bringing up the past, and doesn't seem to be moving forward herself. I love her, and I feel sorry for her, but I have to keep moving forward, even if that means leaving her behind.
Will she catch up? Who knows? It has been over if not close to 3 months now, and I'm still hoping that we can eventually work things out, but it's the same story still. I'll keep working on myself in the meantime and move forward.
Anyway, there's a cute girl that has been showing up to Atomic lately. Really cute, great dancer. I was out dancing Friday night and talking with an old friend by the DJ booth. While we were talking, said girl was next to me within earshot. One of her friends come over and was talking to her, she asked, "Did he ask you to dance?", while pointing at me over her shoulder. She said, "No", then announced that she was going home. She grabbed her stuff, stuck around for a couple minutes then wen home. I let it go for now, but it left me guessing, and it made me feel good. It popped up in my head over the weekend, and I kept thinking about it, it made me feel good.
I'm going to ask this gal to dance a lil more often, get to know her, see where it goes. She seems like a cool gal.
As If I didn't have enough shit going on
So.....I was terminated from my job on Friday. Reason? Two botched criminal background checks. Apparently they id'd me with some other Gilbert G Perez who, within the last 4 years, has served jail time and has been convicted of:
Assault with a deadly weapon
Battery
Possession of a controlled substance
2 counts of disorderly conduct
and a partridge in a pear tree.
I failed two background checks, both for the city of San Diego, and LAM research, two accounts that I have/would be supporting.
I was brought into a conference room with my supervisor, another supervisor from a different department, and I had the HR lady in there as well.
The questioning/ interrogation came up, "So, is there anything you want to tell us?" I responded with, "about what?". "You failed the background check for LAM research, that makes 2 checks that you've been unable to pass, and unfortunately we are required to terminate your at will employment with the company." What!
I was in complete and utter shock. All I could was sit there. I was nervous, shaky, and shocked. My whole world which I've been trying to rebuild, was crumbling on me. I tried to explain everything to them, but it was a procedural thing at this point. It didn't matter what I said, the background checks had convicted me. I was angry, and as soon as I got out the meeting, and cleaned up my desk, I went straight home and called up the reporting agency to find out where things got screwed up.
I was routed directly to the vice president of the company who verified some of my information with me and expeditiously got the investigation under way. In the meantime I had filed for unemployment, contacted a lawyer, and talked to Steve, who helped to put things into perspective again.
I couldn't help but feel a little out of control, and emotional. I've been working so hard, in counseling, and dealing with the limbo of my marriage, stumbling along the way and feeling a little bit stronger, then this comes along, and it tore everything apart.
Looking back at it now. I should not have let it affect me so much. It's the hardest thing for me, keeping the wheel from spinning. This time I didn't allow it to spin so long. It was quicker than before, but the damage was there.
I pulled through it, and the path to fix this, is well under way. Unfortunately though I'm looking at a week off, unpaid from work, until it gets straightened out.
It is what it is, it sucks, but it could be a nice week off. The good thing is that my supervisor, who has been by my side from day one, is out to get me my job back. He'll be talking to HR and the other companies, to help me straighten this all out.
Assault with a deadly weapon
Battery
Possession of a controlled substance
2 counts of disorderly conduct
and a partridge in a pear tree.
I failed two background checks, both for the city of San Diego, and LAM research, two accounts that I have/would be supporting.
I was brought into a conference room with my supervisor, another supervisor from a different department, and I had the HR lady in there as well.
The questioning/ interrogation came up, "So, is there anything you want to tell us?" I responded with, "about what?". "You failed the background check for LAM research, that makes 2 checks that you've been unable to pass, and unfortunately we are required to terminate your at will employment with the company." What!
I was in complete and utter shock. All I could was sit there. I was nervous, shaky, and shocked. My whole world which I've been trying to rebuild, was crumbling on me. I tried to explain everything to them, but it was a procedural thing at this point. It didn't matter what I said, the background checks had convicted me. I was angry, and as soon as I got out the meeting, and cleaned up my desk, I went straight home and called up the reporting agency to find out where things got screwed up.
I was routed directly to the vice president of the company who verified some of my information with me and expeditiously got the investigation under way. In the meantime I had filed for unemployment, contacted a lawyer, and talked to Steve, who helped to put things into perspective again.
I couldn't help but feel a little out of control, and emotional. I've been working so hard, in counseling, and dealing with the limbo of my marriage, stumbling along the way and feeling a little bit stronger, then this comes along, and it tore everything apart.
Looking back at it now. I should not have let it affect me so much. It's the hardest thing for me, keeping the wheel from spinning. This time I didn't allow it to spin so long. It was quicker than before, but the damage was there.
I pulled through it, and the path to fix this, is well under way. Unfortunately though I'm looking at a week off, unpaid from work, until it gets straightened out.
It is what it is, it sucks, but it could be a nice week off. The good thing is that my supervisor, who has been by my side from day one, is out to get me my job back. He'll be talking to HR and the other companies, to help me straighten this all out.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
My musical ear is betraying me
Whys is it that every song that I happen to like, has some tangential similarity to what's going on in my life. This only makes things harder for me, sometimes.
When the shit hit the fan I stopped doing a lot of things, including listening to my favorite podcasts, radio shows, and music. It took a long time to want to listen to anything, so I started listening to the radio again, for music. It was something I hadn't done in a while, because I didn't like the stuff on the radio. I've been so against it. My wife has been the one to keep up with the new music and had asked me if I liked the new so and so on the so and so station. My answer was always no.
Now I've been more open to new music, and have been exploring new bands, new songs. I've also been going through my collection that I've archived over the years, digitally, and picked out my favorite songs. Being somewhat of a closet musician, the songs that I picked out were ones that always stood out to me musically. I've never been one to sit down and really listen to the lyrics, the music always came first.
As I've been listening to these songs, I found that they all deal with relationships in some form or another. I try to push through them like I normally would unconsciously but the lyrics just hang around this time. This was earlier on but there were old songs that I'd hear in the car alone that would come close to bringing me to tears. I had to stop listening to those for a while.
I'm able to see them in a whole new light now, and I can listen to them and appreciate them more. I have started listening to my old podcasts again. It's not like it used to be. I can start to laugh at/with them from time to time, and that's important.....being able to start laughing again, because it has been a long time.
Someone said, I think it was Steve......"Spring will always follow winter". This winter has been too long.
I'm currently hung up on the Face to Face album, "Ignorance is Bliss", and Neon Trees, "Habits". More specifically their song "Love and Affection". Great song.
When the shit hit the fan I stopped doing a lot of things, including listening to my favorite podcasts, radio shows, and music. It took a long time to want to listen to anything, so I started listening to the radio again, for music. It was something I hadn't done in a while, because I didn't like the stuff on the radio. I've been so against it. My wife has been the one to keep up with the new music and had asked me if I liked the new so and so on the so and so station. My answer was always no.
Now I've been more open to new music, and have been exploring new bands, new songs. I've also been going through my collection that I've archived over the years, digitally, and picked out my favorite songs. Being somewhat of a closet musician, the songs that I picked out were ones that always stood out to me musically. I've never been one to sit down and really listen to the lyrics, the music always came first.
As I've been listening to these songs, I found that they all deal with relationships in some form or another. I try to push through them like I normally would unconsciously but the lyrics just hang around this time. This was earlier on but there were old songs that I'd hear in the car alone that would come close to bringing me to tears. I had to stop listening to those for a while.
I'm able to see them in a whole new light now, and I can listen to them and appreciate them more. I have started listening to my old podcasts again. It's not like it used to be. I can start to laugh at/with them from time to time, and that's important.....being able to start laughing again, because it has been a long time.
Someone said, I think it was Steve......"Spring will always follow winter". This winter has been too long.
I'm currently hung up on the Face to Face album, "Ignorance is Bliss", and Neon Trees, "Habits". More specifically their song "Love and Affection". Great song.
Yo ho, yo ho, a spartan's life for me
If there's anything to learn from separation, is nutrition. I've lost 20 pounds in the last 3 months. What's my diet you ask? It's not a diet, but more a lifestyle, for the purists in all of us. It's the lifestyle of a spartan.
The spartan lifestyle is not to be taken lightly folks. Here's a sample of my daily spartan diet, for the day.
Breakfast
2-4 cups of earl grey creme tea
1 small bag of famous amos cookies
Lunch
Apple, banana, or orange
Plain oatmeal
Early afternoon
Apple, banana, or orange
Granola bar
Dinner
Whatever leftovers that reside in the fridge
That's it. The most recent substitution as of this morning was yogurt and trail mix in lieu of the cookies. I also added craisins to sweeten up the oatmeal, and ditched the fruit for now. Also added a Fiber One bar for that extra kick after lunch.
20 pounds down an maintaining folks. That's the spartan way.
By the way, I have to give credit to my spartan lifestyle coach/guru, Steve, for developing and adhering to the ways of the spartan. He's very much the Michael Landon, from Highway to Heaven. When he walks he cuts a swath, deep into the soul.
The spartan lifestyle is not to be taken lightly folks. Here's a sample of my daily spartan diet, for the day.
Breakfast
2-4 cups of earl grey creme tea
1 small bag of famous amos cookies
Lunch
Apple, banana, or orange
Plain oatmeal
Early afternoon
Apple, banana, or orange
Granola bar
Dinner
Whatever leftovers that reside in the fridge
That's it. The most recent substitution as of this morning was yogurt and trail mix in lieu of the cookies. I also added craisins to sweeten up the oatmeal, and ditched the fruit for now. Also added a Fiber One bar for that extra kick after lunch.
20 pounds down an maintaining folks. That's the spartan way.
By the way, I have to give credit to my spartan lifestyle coach/guru, Steve, for developing and adhering to the ways of the spartan. He's very much the Michael Landon, from Highway to Heaven. When he walks he cuts a swath, deep into the soul.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
When people with poor taste in music think they can dj
That was my night folks. Completely killed the mood, and I'm not sure if it was the stress on me, trying out some moves that I hadn't done in a very long time, or just the general lack of good music. I kept the complaining to myself, while this guy who looked Fred Willard, wandered around complaining loudly.
Two DJs failed to played decent music, let alone give decent lessons prior to playing said shitty music. They don't take into account that most of the people here haven't been dancing for too long. The faster and shittier the music, the sloppier and shittier the dancing. It's no wonder some of the old schoolers come in looking baked. They completely get into the zone and claim their space with an aura of, "fuck off, get outta my way".
I look forward to Tuesday nights, because the music is more bluesier and less big bandy. There's opportunity to play and have fun with the music, and it's slower tempo. It's stuff everyone can dance to, no matter the skill level.
So far this venue owes me 18 bucks, for two bad nights. I will get my money back.
The week kinda built itself up as I've been watching videos on Youtube of some old dances that I forgot, like, the standard charleston, both face to face and side to side, some old balboa tricks, a little shag. The fun stuff no one does that often. They don't really teach that stuff. Seems like they only teach the beginner stuff and light intermediate dances, then cut you off.
There was a little anxiety on my part, because I had been practicing the steps on my part and trying to work it into my deal alone. The dynamic of dancing with a mediocre dancer throws it all off. Makes ya look like a half hearted ass. To top it off I wore a pair of shoes that stuck to the floor......great.
I was looking forward to dancing with a couple girls from the week prior, but the music killed it. I could sense that they were waiting for me to ask because they kept hovering around my area. I don't know where these ladies learned how to dance, but they've got the tension down, and I like it. It's kinda like an animal recognizing its own pack. Sorry ladies, next time.
I danced a small handful of times with a coog that has picked me out every time, since I first danced with her. Now I know I haven't danced consistently in a long time, but I didn't lose the , "feel". She picked up on that, and has since been hunting me down every time. She pimps me out to the other ladies there, touting me as one of the best dancers there. I appreciate the ego boost, but hold on lady, I'm just getting back into it, and am rusty. I've got my standard boring go-tos that I'm comfortable moves that I'm comfortable with, and that's it. Tempted to start introducing myself as "Rusty", for the time being.
I've been asked already, how long have I been dancing. I respond with, "Off and On? Close to 15 years now". I feel so damn old.
Back to the coog, and here's the difference between a girl and a coog. A coog has already been to, "The Show". The coog brings an inherent sexuality to the dance, meaning the sense of space gets closer and more comfortable. It could be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on what you're in to. Me? I'm just reporting my experiences. When dancing with a girl, the sense of dance space, is just that, dance space.
Anyway, the night blew. I'm looking for other nights to get out and work on my moves. A shame...I was looking to getting some good dancing in. DJs? Get a clue.
Two DJs failed to played decent music, let alone give decent lessons prior to playing said shitty music. They don't take into account that most of the people here haven't been dancing for too long. The faster and shittier the music, the sloppier and shittier the dancing. It's no wonder some of the old schoolers come in looking baked. They completely get into the zone and claim their space with an aura of, "fuck off, get outta my way".
I look forward to Tuesday nights, because the music is more bluesier and less big bandy. There's opportunity to play and have fun with the music, and it's slower tempo. It's stuff everyone can dance to, no matter the skill level.
So far this venue owes me 18 bucks, for two bad nights. I will get my money back.
The week kinda built itself up as I've been watching videos on Youtube of some old dances that I forgot, like, the standard charleston, both face to face and side to side, some old balboa tricks, a little shag. The fun stuff no one does that often. They don't really teach that stuff. Seems like they only teach the beginner stuff and light intermediate dances, then cut you off.
There was a little anxiety on my part, because I had been practicing the steps on my part and trying to work it into my deal alone. The dynamic of dancing with a mediocre dancer throws it all off. Makes ya look like a half hearted ass. To top it off I wore a pair of shoes that stuck to the floor......great.
I was looking forward to dancing with a couple girls from the week prior, but the music killed it. I could sense that they were waiting for me to ask because they kept hovering around my area. I don't know where these ladies learned how to dance, but they've got the tension down, and I like it. It's kinda like an animal recognizing its own pack. Sorry ladies, next time.
I danced a small handful of times with a coog that has picked me out every time, since I first danced with her. Now I know I haven't danced consistently in a long time, but I didn't lose the , "feel". She picked up on that, and has since been hunting me down every time. She pimps me out to the other ladies there, touting me as one of the best dancers there. I appreciate the ego boost, but hold on lady, I'm just getting back into it, and am rusty. I've got my standard boring go-tos that I'm comfortable moves that I'm comfortable with, and that's it. Tempted to start introducing myself as "Rusty", for the time being.
I've been asked already, how long have I been dancing. I respond with, "Off and On? Close to 15 years now". I feel so damn old.
Back to the coog, and here's the difference between a girl and a coog. A coog has already been to, "The Show". The coog brings an inherent sexuality to the dance, meaning the sense of space gets closer and more comfortable. It could be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on what you're in to. Me? I'm just reporting my experiences. When dancing with a girl, the sense of dance space, is just that, dance space.
Anyway, the night blew. I'm looking for other nights to get out and work on my moves. A shame...I was looking to getting some good dancing in. DJs? Get a clue.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
The Chopping Block
So, we have most of our stuff sitting in a storage unit. The rest of it is sitting in her parent's garage.
I've been entertaining the notion of selling off the appliances. The washer, dryer, fridge, and the tv. I'm not attached to those items whatsoever. They're just taking up space. I can confess that my initial intent was to try and elicit a reaction from her, in hopes of her getting off her ass and working on the relationship. Well I wasn't ready, and it almost backfired on me. I wasn't ready for the, "Ok, I have a buyer, how much". I'll never make that mistake ever again.
The decision to sell at this point is purely financial. I'd rather have the money sitting in the bank, untouched gathering interest, than losing money on it. Granted, these are appliances we're talking about, nothing all that big. Her mom advised her that we shouldn't sell the stuff, so that we'd have it for our next place. That spoke to me. Despite what I've been getting from my wife, that one sentence spoke to me. I held onto that, and I questioned the motive to sell the stuff.
This is my logical rationale.
There's always bigger and better. We can buy better stuff with the money later on. The stuff is a pain in the ass to move, might as well get it outta the way. I've got some close friends to thank, for helping me to piece this together. Every decision that has crossed my mind has been over analyzed, over scrutinized, and most likely over calculated. I want to make sure that I'm doing the right thing.
Will she be pissed? Dunno. Probably. She will be aware of it. I won't sell it without her knowing. She has maintained that those were my appliances anyway, since my parents bought them for me and "my house", before she moved in. Gimme a break already lady. That was, "our house", and those are, "our appliances", get over it.
So I've got a buyer for the washer and dryer. I was asking 500 for the pair. They're practically new. I'm settling for 450. The fridge would go for 800 firm, practically new, and the 42" plasma, with Monster power conditioner, I'm entertaining offers between 500 and 600. All practically new.
Any takers?
I've got to make the trek to the storage unit this weekend to gather the Make/Model numbers. I'll post it here, for anyone. I'm thinkin craigslist thereafter.
I've been entertaining the notion of selling off the appliances. The washer, dryer, fridge, and the tv. I'm not attached to those items whatsoever. They're just taking up space. I can confess that my initial intent was to try and elicit a reaction from her, in hopes of her getting off her ass and working on the relationship. Well I wasn't ready, and it almost backfired on me. I wasn't ready for the, "Ok, I have a buyer, how much". I'll never make that mistake ever again.
The decision to sell at this point is purely financial. I'd rather have the money sitting in the bank, untouched gathering interest, than losing money on it. Granted, these are appliances we're talking about, nothing all that big. Her mom advised her that we shouldn't sell the stuff, so that we'd have it for our next place. That spoke to me. Despite what I've been getting from my wife, that one sentence spoke to me. I held onto that, and I questioned the motive to sell the stuff.
This is my logical rationale.
There's always bigger and better. We can buy better stuff with the money later on. The stuff is a pain in the ass to move, might as well get it outta the way. I've got some close friends to thank, for helping me to piece this together. Every decision that has crossed my mind has been over analyzed, over scrutinized, and most likely over calculated. I want to make sure that I'm doing the right thing.
Will she be pissed? Dunno. Probably. She will be aware of it. I won't sell it without her knowing. She has maintained that those were my appliances anyway, since my parents bought them for me and "my house", before she moved in. Gimme a break already lady. That was, "our house", and those are, "our appliances", get over it.
So I've got a buyer for the washer and dryer. I was asking 500 for the pair. They're practically new. I'm settling for 450. The fridge would go for 800 firm, practically new, and the 42" plasma, with Monster power conditioner, I'm entertaining offers between 500 and 600. All practically new.
Any takers?
I've got to make the trek to the storage unit this weekend to gather the Make/Model numbers. I'll post it here, for anyone. I'm thinkin craigslist thereafter.
Monday, March 21, 2011
One Handed Clap Makes No Sound (Part I)
Time for storytelling. This is gonna be a long one, that's well overdue.
Every year I would make it a point to name the new year. I can't remember off the top of my head what I decided to name 2010, but it might as well have been labeled my "London Bridge" year, or something to that effect.
A week into the new year, I got laid off. Kinda saw it coming, working in the architecture industry. The company underwent new ownership, and the new owner ran it into the ground. So I got laid off, while I'm trying to do a loan mod on my house that has lost close to 2/3rds of its value.
I stopped making payments immediately after I was laid off. It was either try to save the house, or stay afloat. I opted to try to stay afloat, with wife and 3 animals in tow. I spent every waking hour thereafter looking for work, any and everywhere. Went 6 months with no activity in the architectural field. I had given up hope at that point, especially hearing that other colleagues had been out of work 2+ years at that point. I had no other choice but to look outside my own profession to try and bring money in. I was nearing my first extension on my unemployment, when I got a job in the IT industry.
Everything is starting to looking up. At the same time this is going on my marriage is slowly falling apart, and I failed to recognize all the signs.
This continued up to my wife's birthday, days before Xmas, when I found inappropriate conversations between her and a married guy that she used to room with years back. It's much clearer now that time has passed. There were things that she was reaching out for that weren't present in our relationship, and along comes a scumbag in a similar situation with his own wife, whom he shares a child with.
Well you can imagine what happened. I blew it up in her face, by presenting to her and exposing her to her family. I was hurt and angry. How could this happen? I went through the full spectrum of emotions, even contemplating sending hard copies of everything that I had to the guy's family, wife family..., you name it. This guy had to be held responsible, and it made no sense to me, that my wife was defending this guy.
She immediately pulls the separation card, which absolutely tore me apart. I went right in to counseling, because it was/is too much. The house had since gone to short sale, and I had that shit to deal with while trying to keep my head straight. It has been really tough.
I packed up all the bare essentials and moved out of the house and have been renting a room at a friend's parent's house, since then. She has been staying at her parents since then, even though she had planned to move into an apartment of her own. At this point it doesn't seem that she's moving anywhere.
It has taken me a long time to try to regroup, and I still struggle from time to time. My wife has made it very clear that she wants a fresh start, take it slow and see where it goes. It still makes no sense to me, because we're married. What do you mean fresh start?
I started going to counseling on my own with the hope that we'd both go to work this out. I love her, and yes we have issues to work on. We've only been married for a lil over 2 years. 2 fuckin years! I was under a lot of stress during that time, trying to make sure we could maintain. It's no excuse, and I've apologized for my mistakes. A lot has been said by both parties out of anger and hurt. I seem to be the only one taking the positive steps to move forward.
This separation has now gone on for 3 months. I've seen miniscule signs here and there on her part, but it's not consistent. The counselor has told me that it could be at least 12-18 months at that, until something is done. I go back and forth, and I'm trying to move forward. I love my wife, but I can't continue to live like this.
I'm greatful for the room that I'm renting and for the hospitality that has been extended to me, but I am not comfortable here. Nowhere feels comfortable right now. This whole separation deal has gone on unplanned, no timeline has been discussed, no official paperwork has been filed, nothing.
She has made most of the effort up front through this, by maintaining communication, even when I didn't feel like talking to her. She wants a fresh start, so I figured, okay, lets start hanging out. I'll take her out from time to time. I've done it once so far, and it seems like it's all about, "me, me, me", coming from her. On top of that we both agreed to move forward and not talk about the past. Well guess who brings up the past, in conversation...her. I let her vent, and not add fuel to the fire. She's being immature, and I'm starting to realize that.
I may not want to be with my wife anymore. It's sad. It's sad because I still love her. My good friend Tim asked me the other day, "Are you in love with her", I responded, no. I have a clearer answer now. What I/we're going through right now is not loving. We're both at fault for this situation. I'm attempting to make an effort on my part, and I'm not seeing any movement or effort on her part.
I was in the shower the other day, and I just replayed some of the things that she has said/texted during all this. Now a lot of this I've thrown out and gone by her actions solely, but some of it still hurts.
I'm not sure how much more of this limbo I can take. I'm very patient, but at the same time, I'm longing for female companionship. Now I know what your thinking but I'm not trying to go there. My marriage takes first priority. I go back and forth on this, a lot more recently, and part of the reason, was that in conversation a while back my wife explicitly said, "If you feel the need to date, then go ahead and date, but am I going to be jealous, of course I'm going to be jealous".
Look I'm not trying to dance outside the marriage. I'm not that type. I made a commitment and I'm sticking to it until it has been dissolved. I still wear my ring, despite that it almost falls off my finger. I've lost 20 pounds through all this. My wife, stopped wearing her ring, because she would get complimented on it by all the patients at her work. It was too painful to her, so she stopped wearing it. I call it a cop-out now. I've been debating whether or not to continue wearing mine. It has been a hard struggle. I know where my head,heart, and commitment lie. The ring is a symbol of that commitment, to me. Who knows what it means to her. She hasn't worn it around me, either. I think it's disrespectful, but that's me.
I'm really trying on my end. I'm still in counseling to help me sort through my own shit, and to straighten myself out. I'm trying to be a better, stronger person, and I will succeed at it. I have even been going to church on my own to pray.
I try to go to the church as often as I can, most of the time after work, anywhere from 3-4 times a week. I'm a baptised Catholic....that's a whole other story, I'll get into later. Never really been a strong practitioner, even distanced myself for years, only going to weddings, funerals, you name it. I'm not saying that I'm a holy roller now, but stopping by to pray was a big step for me. I go in, sit/kneel in an empty pew and pray. I talk about my day, I pray for others around me that are struggling, and I pray that my marriage can be saved. It was hard going into the church the first couple times, because just sitting there and praying, would make me cry. I did my best to conceal it from the others while I was there. It was usually empty. Today I went, and sure enough, I felt the tears stream down my face. That hasn't happened in a long time.
Do I really want to wait it out 12-18 months, while she does nothing? I'm really not sure. I don't want to pull the trigger.
Every year I would make it a point to name the new year. I can't remember off the top of my head what I decided to name 2010, but it might as well have been labeled my "London Bridge" year, or something to that effect.
A week into the new year, I got laid off. Kinda saw it coming, working in the architecture industry. The company underwent new ownership, and the new owner ran it into the ground. So I got laid off, while I'm trying to do a loan mod on my house that has lost close to 2/3rds of its value.
I stopped making payments immediately after I was laid off. It was either try to save the house, or stay afloat. I opted to try to stay afloat, with wife and 3 animals in tow. I spent every waking hour thereafter looking for work, any and everywhere. Went 6 months with no activity in the architectural field. I had given up hope at that point, especially hearing that other colleagues had been out of work 2+ years at that point. I had no other choice but to look outside my own profession to try and bring money in. I was nearing my first extension on my unemployment, when I got a job in the IT industry.
Everything is starting to looking up. At the same time this is going on my marriage is slowly falling apart, and I failed to recognize all the signs.
This continued up to my wife's birthday, days before Xmas, when I found inappropriate conversations between her and a married guy that she used to room with years back. It's much clearer now that time has passed. There were things that she was reaching out for that weren't present in our relationship, and along comes a scumbag in a similar situation with his own wife, whom he shares a child with.
Well you can imagine what happened. I blew it up in her face, by presenting to her and exposing her to her family. I was hurt and angry. How could this happen? I went through the full spectrum of emotions, even contemplating sending hard copies of everything that I had to the guy's family, wife family..., you name it. This guy had to be held responsible, and it made no sense to me, that my wife was defending this guy.
She immediately pulls the separation card, which absolutely tore me apart. I went right in to counseling, because it was/is too much. The house had since gone to short sale, and I had that shit to deal with while trying to keep my head straight. It has been really tough.
I packed up all the bare essentials and moved out of the house and have been renting a room at a friend's parent's house, since then. She has been staying at her parents since then, even though she had planned to move into an apartment of her own. At this point it doesn't seem that she's moving anywhere.
It has taken me a long time to try to regroup, and I still struggle from time to time. My wife has made it very clear that she wants a fresh start, take it slow and see where it goes. It still makes no sense to me, because we're married. What do you mean fresh start?
I started going to counseling on my own with the hope that we'd both go to work this out. I love her, and yes we have issues to work on. We've only been married for a lil over 2 years. 2 fuckin years! I was under a lot of stress during that time, trying to make sure we could maintain. It's no excuse, and I've apologized for my mistakes. A lot has been said by both parties out of anger and hurt. I seem to be the only one taking the positive steps to move forward.
This separation has now gone on for 3 months. I've seen miniscule signs here and there on her part, but it's not consistent. The counselor has told me that it could be at least 12-18 months at that, until something is done. I go back and forth, and I'm trying to move forward. I love my wife, but I can't continue to live like this.
I'm greatful for the room that I'm renting and for the hospitality that has been extended to me, but I am not comfortable here. Nowhere feels comfortable right now. This whole separation deal has gone on unplanned, no timeline has been discussed, no official paperwork has been filed, nothing.
She has made most of the effort up front through this, by maintaining communication, even when I didn't feel like talking to her. She wants a fresh start, so I figured, okay, lets start hanging out. I'll take her out from time to time. I've done it once so far, and it seems like it's all about, "me, me, me", coming from her. On top of that we both agreed to move forward and not talk about the past. Well guess who brings up the past, in conversation...her. I let her vent, and not add fuel to the fire. She's being immature, and I'm starting to realize that.
I may not want to be with my wife anymore. It's sad. It's sad because I still love her. My good friend Tim asked me the other day, "Are you in love with her", I responded, no. I have a clearer answer now. What I/we're going through right now is not loving. We're both at fault for this situation. I'm attempting to make an effort on my part, and I'm not seeing any movement or effort on her part.
I was in the shower the other day, and I just replayed some of the things that she has said/texted during all this. Now a lot of this I've thrown out and gone by her actions solely, but some of it still hurts.
I'm not sure how much more of this limbo I can take. I'm very patient, but at the same time, I'm longing for female companionship. Now I know what your thinking but I'm not trying to go there. My marriage takes first priority. I go back and forth on this, a lot more recently, and part of the reason, was that in conversation a while back my wife explicitly said, "If you feel the need to date, then go ahead and date, but am I going to be jealous, of course I'm going to be jealous".
Look I'm not trying to dance outside the marriage. I'm not that type. I made a commitment and I'm sticking to it until it has been dissolved. I still wear my ring, despite that it almost falls off my finger. I've lost 20 pounds through all this. My wife, stopped wearing her ring, because she would get complimented on it by all the patients at her work. It was too painful to her, so she stopped wearing it. I call it a cop-out now. I've been debating whether or not to continue wearing mine. It has been a hard struggle. I know where my head,heart, and commitment lie. The ring is a symbol of that commitment, to me. Who knows what it means to her. She hasn't worn it around me, either. I think it's disrespectful, but that's me.
I'm really trying on my end. I'm still in counseling to help me sort through my own shit, and to straighten myself out. I'm trying to be a better, stronger person, and I will succeed at it. I have even been going to church on my own to pray.
I try to go to the church as often as I can, most of the time after work, anywhere from 3-4 times a week. I'm a baptised Catholic....that's a whole other story, I'll get into later. Never really been a strong practitioner, even distanced myself for years, only going to weddings, funerals, you name it. I'm not saying that I'm a holy roller now, but stopping by to pray was a big step for me. I go in, sit/kneel in an empty pew and pray. I talk about my day, I pray for others around me that are struggling, and I pray that my marriage can be saved. It was hard going into the church the first couple times, because just sitting there and praying, would make me cry. I did my best to conceal it from the others while I was there. It was usually empty. Today I went, and sure enough, I felt the tears stream down my face. That hasn't happened in a long time.
Do I really want to wait it out 12-18 months, while she does nothing? I'm really not sure. I don't want to pull the trigger.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Off the beaten path
Last night I went out with an old friend of mine, to Disneyland. I've been getting into the whole photography thing and have been wanting to take lots of pictures, and experimenting with f stops, shutter speeds, you name it. More importantly, been wanting to see what a 50mm lens would do, so I set my zoom to 50mm, and worked with it.
The best thing about Disneyland is that if you are handicapped, or have a friend that's disabled, you can get right to the front of the lines. No waiting at all for the most part. It's kinda like the VIP pass. I know it sounds bad, but it made the night fun. I've never gotten on so many rides, in a long time. All the rides that I hadn't been on, in along time, I got on.
Last night was also the supermoon. I took a couple shots, but they were during the fireworks show, so I got some extra haze and clouds in the shots. They're ok, but I think I need faster lenses, especially for dark shots. I smell next investment, coming on.
I'm trying to figure out where I wanna go with this. I'm very interested in developing my style as an amateur photojournalist. I'm not in it for money at this point, more for fun and experimenting. I'm working on my website so that I can have something to point people to, with a business card, just for the heck of it.
I'm attaching a mix of some shots from the night. Had to shoot at high ISO, wide open f stop, on a 18-135mm lens, on a Canon 60d. Some came out blurry, my bad. Next time I'll get em right.
I've got a couple better ones on my Picasa page.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Swingout and about
Stayed out late last night, went out and danced a bit at the local swing dance venue. It was nice to get out. I try to get out at least twice a week to break up the humdrum of the work week. Plus I haven't been dancing in a while, it helps to get back in touch with the steps that I thought I had lost.
The crowd has changed quite a bit, which coming from not dancing in a while seems like a misnomer, right? Was it not supposed to change while I was away?
When I started going again, I spent the majority of the time watching the dancers, and determining in my head, "Ok, she's a good dancer, I'll ask her.....she's.....uhhhh...not so great, let's stay away", that kinda thing. It took some time before I was able to actually ask other people to dance, for what reason, I don't know. But I've eventually gotten over it. I think it's the feeling of intimidation. There's a select bunch of girls that really know what they're doing and they pretty much keep to themselves, same goes for the guys, though you don't see it as much. It's more the girls. They stick to their own group, while us guys aimlessly wander about in search of a partner.
Now there's two...actually 3 schools of dancers these days. The ones that actually get it...the ones that kinda get it...and the ones that still don't get it. I give them a medal for trying, but c'mon. The thing that I notice right off the bat is the lack of etiquette, and the lack of counter tension in the dance. Granted that probably is more related to the particular style of swing dancing, but I can tell right off the bat, if the dance is gonna be good, or of it's gonna go south, within the first couple steps. Regardless I do my best so that we both have a good time, during the song.
One thing to watch out for are the people that dress the part. There are still many gals that hide behind the vintage gear to disguise their dancing skills. Not that it's a bad thing, but realize that your'e selling a bill of goods that just isn't right.
Case in point. The other night I was sitting at the bar, when these two girls come up and start chatting away. Both were fairly cute. One was dressed up in the whole vintage get up, tattoos...the whole deal. Very pretty. So I waited for the music to start, and decided to ask this gal to dance. I'm thinking, "Ok this is gonna be a good one." WRONG! It's a shame.....a damn shame. It really was too bad.
It could as well been me too. It could be that the style had changed so much, that, that was why it was weird, but I really don't think so. I had my share of bombs that night, which only meant that I needed to sit out a lil while and resume my anthropological study from the corner of the dance floor. I needed to re-analyze the dancers.
Not much later I asked another gal to dance. I've seen her dance enough before to get a better sense. She was dressed in plain clothes..jeans, shirt, regular clothes. I asked her to dance, and I knew it from the first step, this was the one, the diamond in the rough. Really good follow, had the tension in the arm, perfect.
That was Tuesday night. Last night Friday night, has been mixed. It's mostly big band music, which is tolerable to an extent. Tuesday nights are more bluesy, rock & roll. I can get more out of that style of music than big band these days. On top of that the DJ's on Fridays are assholes. They've got no sense of the crowd.
There's an old dancer that has been showing up the last couple times. He's a nice guy, great dancer, Max.
The DJ kept playing all the faster up tempo stuff that only few people can keep up with and dance to, anymore. The floor was clearing fairly quick. Max went over to the booth and would ask the DJ if he could slow it down. The guy kinda shined him off. I heard him say under his breath, "I don't care, I like it hot". Thanks asshole....why don't you get that on mic next time, so that all the others that paid 10 bucks to dance to your shitty selection, can hear you. What an ass.
Max eventually left, along with the other downtrodden dancers. I stuck around a bit longer then came home.
The crowd has changed quite a bit, which coming from not dancing in a while seems like a misnomer, right? Was it not supposed to change while I was away?
When I started going again, I spent the majority of the time watching the dancers, and determining in my head, "Ok, she's a good dancer, I'll ask her.....she's.....uhhhh...not so great, let's stay away", that kinda thing. It took some time before I was able to actually ask other people to dance, for what reason, I don't know. But I've eventually gotten over it. I think it's the feeling of intimidation. There's a select bunch of girls that really know what they're doing and they pretty much keep to themselves, same goes for the guys, though you don't see it as much. It's more the girls. They stick to their own group, while us guys aimlessly wander about in search of a partner.
Now there's two...actually 3 schools of dancers these days. The ones that actually get it...the ones that kinda get it...and the ones that still don't get it. I give them a medal for trying, but c'mon. The thing that I notice right off the bat is the lack of etiquette, and the lack of counter tension in the dance. Granted that probably is more related to the particular style of swing dancing, but I can tell right off the bat, if the dance is gonna be good, or of it's gonna go south, within the first couple steps. Regardless I do my best so that we both have a good time, during the song.
One thing to watch out for are the people that dress the part. There are still many gals that hide behind the vintage gear to disguise their dancing skills. Not that it's a bad thing, but realize that your'e selling a bill of goods that just isn't right.
Case in point. The other night I was sitting at the bar, when these two girls come up and start chatting away. Both were fairly cute. One was dressed up in the whole vintage get up, tattoos...the whole deal. Very pretty. So I waited for the music to start, and decided to ask this gal to dance. I'm thinking, "Ok this is gonna be a good one." WRONG! It's a shame.....a damn shame. It really was too bad.
It could as well been me too. It could be that the style had changed so much, that, that was why it was weird, but I really don't think so. I had my share of bombs that night, which only meant that I needed to sit out a lil while and resume my anthropological study from the corner of the dance floor. I needed to re-analyze the dancers.
Not much later I asked another gal to dance. I've seen her dance enough before to get a better sense. She was dressed in plain clothes..jeans, shirt, regular clothes. I asked her to dance, and I knew it from the first step, this was the one, the diamond in the rough. Really good follow, had the tension in the arm, perfect.
That was Tuesday night. Last night Friday night, has been mixed. It's mostly big band music, which is tolerable to an extent. Tuesday nights are more bluesy, rock & roll. I can get more out of that style of music than big band these days. On top of that the DJ's on Fridays are assholes. They've got no sense of the crowd.
There's an old dancer that has been showing up the last couple times. He's a nice guy, great dancer, Max.
The DJ kept playing all the faster up tempo stuff that only few people can keep up with and dance to, anymore. The floor was clearing fairly quick. Max went over to the booth and would ask the DJ if he could slow it down. The guy kinda shined him off. I heard him say under his breath, "I don't care, I like it hot". Thanks asshole....why don't you get that on mic next time, so that all the others that paid 10 bucks to dance to your shitty selection, can hear you. What an ass.
Max eventually left, along with the other downtrodden dancers. I stuck around a bit longer then came home.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Back again
Wow, it has been a long time since I've last posted on here. Not much to say, just a whole lot to deal with. Trying to get things back on track, that's for sure.
I recently got a dslr for my birthday and have been out taking lots of pictures and having a lot of doing it. I spend a lot of time researching photojournalists and photographers, and their styles. I'm already looking at upgrading and adding lenses to my arsenal.
Not sure what I'm gonna do this year. I've put my outrigger up for sale. My head isn't in it this year. Dues have gone up, gas has gotten expensive. Just not in the competitive spirit. I'd rather the boat go to someone that will take care of it and appreciate it. It's one the best boats around, and has done me well.
If anyone is interested I've got a washer, dryer, refigerator and a 42" plasma for sale. I'm looking to liquidate asap.
Slowly getting back on my feet. I've got a lot of pent up wit and sarcasm to let loose, as well as pics that I will be posting here, as well while I work on redesigning my site, onionskn.com.
Stay tuned
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