Time for storytelling. This is gonna be a long one, that's well overdue.
Every year I would make it a point to name the new year. I can't remember off the top of my head what I decided to name 2010, but it might as well have been labeled my "London Bridge" year, or something to that effect.
A week into the new year, I got laid off. Kinda saw it coming, working in the architecture industry. The company underwent new ownership, and the new owner ran it into the ground. So I got laid off, while I'm trying to do a loan mod on my house that has lost close to 2/3rds of its value.
I stopped making payments immediately after I was laid off. It was either try to save the house, or stay afloat. I opted to try to stay afloat, with wife and 3 animals in tow. I spent every waking hour thereafter looking for work, any and everywhere. Went 6 months with no activity in the architectural field. I had given up hope at that point, especially hearing that other colleagues had been out of work 2+ years at that point. I had no other choice but to look outside my own profession to try and bring money in. I was nearing my first extension on my unemployment, when I got a job in the IT industry.
Everything is starting to looking up. At the same time this is going on my marriage is slowly falling apart, and I failed to recognize all the signs.
This continued up to my wife's birthday, days before Xmas, when I found inappropriate conversations between her and a married guy that she used to room with years back. It's much clearer now that time has passed. There were things that she was reaching out for that weren't present in our relationship, and along comes a scumbag in a similar situation with his own wife, whom he shares a child with.
Well you can imagine what happened. I blew it up in her face, by presenting to her and exposing her to her family. I was hurt and angry. How could this happen? I went through the full spectrum of emotions, even contemplating sending hard copies of everything that I had to the guy's family, wife family..., you name it. This guy had to be held responsible, and it made no sense to me, that my wife was defending this guy.
She immediately pulls the separation card, which absolutely tore me apart. I went right in to counseling, because it was/is too much. The house had since gone to short sale, and I had that shit to deal with while trying to keep my head straight. It has been really tough.
I packed up all the bare essentials and moved out of the house and have been renting a room at a friend's parent's house, since then. She has been staying at her parents since then, even though she had planned to move into an apartment of her own. At this point it doesn't seem that she's moving anywhere.
It has taken me a long time to try to regroup, and I still struggle from time to time. My wife has made it very clear that she wants a fresh start, take it slow and see where it goes. It still makes no sense to me, because we're married. What do you mean fresh start?
I started going to counseling on my own with the hope that we'd both go to work this out. I love her, and yes we have issues to work on. We've only been married for a lil over 2 years. 2 fuckin years! I was under a lot of stress during that time, trying to make sure we could maintain. It's no excuse, and I've apologized for my mistakes. A lot has been said by both parties out of anger and hurt. I seem to be the only one taking the positive steps to move forward.
This separation has now gone on for 3 months. I've seen miniscule signs here and there on her part, but it's not consistent. The counselor has told me that it could be at least 12-18 months at that, until something is done. I go back and forth, and I'm trying to move forward. I love my wife, but I can't continue to live like this.
I'm greatful for the room that I'm renting and for the hospitality that has been extended to me, but I am not comfortable here. Nowhere feels comfortable right now. This whole separation deal has gone on unplanned, no timeline has been discussed, no official paperwork has been filed, nothing.
She has made most of the effort up front through this, by maintaining communication, even when I didn't feel like talking to her. She wants a fresh start, so I figured, okay, lets start hanging out. I'll take her out from time to time. I've done it once so far, and it seems like it's all about, "me, me, me", coming from her. On top of that we both agreed to move forward and not talk about the past. Well guess who brings up the past, in conversation...her. I let her vent, and not add fuel to the fire. She's being immature, and I'm starting to realize that.
I may not want to be with my wife anymore. It's sad. It's sad because I still love her. My good friend Tim asked me the other day, "Are you in love with her", I responded, no. I have a clearer answer now. What I/we're going through right now is not loving. We're both at fault for this situation. I'm attempting to make an effort on my part, and I'm not seeing any movement or effort on her part.
I was in the shower the other day, and I just replayed some of the things that she has said/texted during all this. Now a lot of this I've thrown out and gone by her actions solely, but some of it still hurts.
I'm not sure how much more of this limbo I can take. I'm very patient, but at the same time, I'm longing for female companionship. Now I know what your thinking but I'm not trying to go there. My marriage takes first priority. I go back and forth on this, a lot more recently, and part of the reason, was that in conversation a while back my wife explicitly said, "If you feel the need to date, then go ahead and date, but am I going to be jealous, of course I'm going to be jealous".
Look I'm not trying to dance outside the marriage. I'm not that type. I made a commitment and I'm sticking to it until it has been dissolved. I still wear my ring, despite that it almost falls off my finger. I've lost 20 pounds through all this. My wife, stopped wearing her ring, because she would get complimented on it by all the patients at her work. It was too painful to her, so she stopped wearing it. I call it a cop-out now. I've been debating whether or not to continue wearing mine. It has been a hard struggle. I know where my head,heart, and commitment lie. The ring is a symbol of that commitment, to me. Who knows what it means to her. She hasn't worn it around me, either. I think it's disrespectful, but that's me.
I'm really trying on my end. I'm still in counseling to help me sort through my own shit, and to straighten myself out. I'm trying to be a better, stronger person, and I will succeed at it. I have even been going to church on my own to pray.
I try to go to the church as often as I can, most of the time after work, anywhere from 3-4 times a week. I'm a baptised Catholic....that's a whole other story, I'll get into later. Never really been a strong practitioner, even distanced myself for years, only going to weddings, funerals, you name it. I'm not saying that I'm a holy roller now, but stopping by to pray was a big step for me. I go in, sit/kneel in an empty pew and pray. I talk about my day, I pray for others around me that are struggling, and I pray that my marriage can be saved. It was hard going into the church the first couple times, because just sitting there and praying, would make me cry. I did my best to conceal it from the others while I was there. It was usually empty. Today I went, and sure enough, I felt the tears stream down my face. That hasn't happened in a long time.
Do I really want to wait it out 12-18 months, while she does nothing? I'm really not sure. I don't want to pull the trigger.
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