Moving on for now

In light of everything else that has been going on. There is an opportunity to move forward, and I'm willing to take a step in that direction.

I've been going out dancing 2-3 times a week now, and have been noticing a few of the gals that have been showing up. Now I know that I've really been wanting some companionship, and that has not changed. I cannot/ will not stray from my marriage. I can't go down that route. I will not lead anyone on, I can't do that.

I want to go out and have some fun. I want someone I can call up and hangout with, whether it's dancing, Disneyland, etc. I don't want a relationship, just a companion, and unfortunately I don't feel like I can take my wife with me, and feel like I can have a good time. I feel that we have a lot of things to work through, and I feel that I have to be civil and tread lightly around her. That's not fun, and I'm getting too old for bullshit.

My wife has given me permission to date, while she figures herself out. She actually said, and I'm not making this up, she said "If you feel the need to date, go ahead and date, but am I going to be jealous, of course, I'm going to be jealous." Those were her words, word for word.

She also said, "Until I get my own place, I'm not going to be able to feel like I have a place of my own, where no one can kick me out." Well she hasn't exactly been saving money to get out from her parents. She has been spending. I have a better chance of moving out than her.

I really don't like who she has become. She lied to me, now she's lying to everyone else. Where does it stop?

Just today, she told me to keep a lid on it, if her mom asks me about whether or not she shared a room in Vegas. She went on to say, that it's none of her mom's business. Well honey....I'm not going to lie to your mom. It's not my business either. You need to square it up with your mom. It's not my fault your relationship is strained with your mom. You made your own bed...sleep in it, and keep me out.

Come back to me when you're ready to be mature, and you want to figure our shit out together.

Now let me clarify all this. I'm not doing this out of spite or frustration, but c'mon. I'm doing all the heavy lifting here, and I've yet to see my wife do anything to indicate otherwise that she's even interested in continuing the relationship. I feel that I can't talk to her about it without the conversation getting uncomfortable. We both agreed not to talk about the past, and I've stuck to it. She has been bringing up the past, and doesn't seem to be moving forward herself. I love her, and I feel sorry for her, but I have to keep moving forward, even if that means leaving her behind.

Will she catch up? Who knows? It has been over if not close to 3 months now, and I'm still hoping that we can eventually work things out, but it's the same story still. I'll keep working on myself in the meantime and move forward.

Anyway, there's a cute girl that has been showing up to Atomic lately. Really cute, great dancer. I was out dancing Friday night and talking with an old friend by the DJ booth. While we were talking, said girl was next to me within earshot. One of her friends come over and was talking to her, she asked, "Did he ask you to dance?", while pointing at me over her shoulder. She said, "No", then announced that she was going home. She grabbed her stuff, stuck around for a couple minutes then wen home. I let it go for now, but it left me guessing, and it made me feel good. It popped up in my head over the weekend, and I kept thinking about it, it made me feel good.

I'm going to ask this gal to dance a lil more often, get to know her, see where it goes. She seems like a cool gal.