Gloomy Easter....the holidays are going to be the worst

I'm only going to blog about this once. I'm feeling better today, even though it's gloomy outside. Had a good time last night with some people that I knew, and people that I had just met.

A friend is picking me up today to go to a brunch. Anything but home and alone is fine.

The holidays are going to be the hardest. At this point it shouldn't even matter, I've had shit like this go down before. This is no different and it's just a matter of time.

In the car right now. I'll finish this later.

Not feelin it

Out dancing, which used to help me get away. Not tonight, even with the live band. Finding myself thinking about the end. Imagining myself without her, and at the same time, not feeling like I belong here. Now I'm not thinking anything crazy. Just feeling lost. No other way to explain it, but it's an overwhelming feeling of not really feeling. It feels empty.

I'm going back and forth, even still. Do I want her back or not? Why does this have to be so torturous? Why not cut my losses and get outta town. I'm getting the feeling of not belonging in California anymore. It seems like such an easy decision. I wouldn't have to worry about seeing her with someone else.

This is me and how I have handled breakups in the past. But this was different, this is my wife. Essentially a glorified girlfriend for life, ring and all. Why isn't this working out like all the other marriages? Yeah we all have problems, but why call it quits after only 2+ years?

Day's over...next

What a day. It was slightly better than yesterday, only slightly. It's too much to think about, and it's making me tired. I'm doing my absolute best, but wow. The tears and the emotions are so easily triggered. I didn't feel like working today again.

My mind would lapse back to the past, and it's painful. I reached to an old friend during lunch. One of the supervisors recognized that I was looking rough, so we went for a walk outside. He was in the thick of it himself a couple weeks back. What the fuck? I'm surrounded by this shit. I appreciate the not feeling alone in all of this, but now i know too many people that are not too far off from where I'm at. They can all relate, and that's fine, but it sucks.

As much as I've bullshitted about wanting to see other people, I can't do it. I couldn't even entertain the idea, no way, not in this state.

The holidays are going to be tough, and I wish I had someone around, so I wasn't feeling so lost and lonely.

I miss my big bro. He has been there for me through all this, and I appreciate the time, energy and patience, I really do. We're not even blood related. We've been through a lot together, and I'm greatful to have him around. He's my best friend and the best roommate that I've ever had.

And...cue the rain.

Damnit..is it time to leave yet?

Took a seat on the rollercoaster

So yesterday I took a seat on the rollercoaster. It wasn't a fun ride. I went through the whole range of emotions. Found myself slipping back into a place that I had tried so hard to leave, the last couple months. My eyes still burn from yesterday's tears. I feel tired and exhausted, but I'm here at work, the least place I'd rather be but it's better than anywhere else. It'll keep me busy, for the time being, but it's not going to make me happy.

This is possibly the stupidest thing to say, and I know it, but I'm going to let it out. My life is over.

Now, allow me to contradict myself. My life is not over. Yes, the last year and a half has been shitty, that's a given. No one can make me happy but myself. I cannot expect others to be able to make me happy. If I'm not happy, then it's up to me to do something about it. It's time to stop being passive aggressive, and start focusing on myself. That's where my head has been, and that's where it should be now.

I can't undo the last 5 and a half years of my life. Yesterday I told my good friend Tim, that I felt like I wasted my time. I haven't wasted anything. This was an experience to learn from. It will only prepare me for the next bigger, better step in my life.

Don't get hungry
Don't get angry
Don't get lonely
Don't get tired








Now is not the time to make big decisions. My gut reaction is to pack everything up and disappear, elsewhere. But I have to heal myself first. If I don't allow myself to go through the whole range of emotions, it will haunt me anywhere I go.

The first step to getting on the rollercoaster, is sitting in the car

It's always the day after that hurts the most. Last night it hadn't entirely sunken.

I got into work this morning and started typing up my response to her last email, which included her being ready to file for divorce. I was ok for a bit, had a good friend of mine help me weed through the draft and sharpen it to a fine point.

While going through it, I couldn't help but cry. I tried so hard to hold it back and was able to put it at bay temporarily, but it kept flowing.

I've somewhat stabilized myself for the time being, but even as I write this the tears are starting to form. I'm leaving work early today, to hang out with a good friend.

Why am I crying? I'm crying because the unknown is now a reality, and even though I've gotten stronger I can't deny how I feel. I did everything that I could to make this right, while she sat back and did nothing. She decided to walk rather than face the issues at hand. Quitter!

Then why









It always hits hardest the day after. I came into work this morning and began typing my response to her email, including the part about being ready to file for divorce.

I was ok up until a good friend started to help me refine my response to a fine point. Then the rain started pouring. I did my best to stop it at times. I'm leaving early today. Going to hang out with a good friend.

Why am I crying?
I put my best effort forward to save this, while she did nothing. She's choosing to dodge the issues and quit. Quitter!

Why am I crying?
I did everything you could. I deserve better. She's only going to repeat her behaviors with someone else. I don't need that.

I'm upset because I've lost so much over the last year and a half despite my best efforts to sustain them. Our house, my job, unemployment, my wife, my job again! What the fuck? It's no reason why I'm allowing myself to feel this way.

I don't feel welcome anywhere. I feel lost. Nowhere feels comfortable right now. I'm considering packing up and moving out of state.

That's all for now.

And so a new chapter begins

It's late, I'm tired, gonna try to get some sleep. More to follow, tomorrow.

It's called "Stalking".............."friend"

So sad.

So I go out dancing last night at one of my old favorite clubs, and in comes two of my old friends, and my quote/unquote wife. Let's refer to her as, "friend", since she likes to use that word a lot.

So they come in, they stopped by to say "hi", and she stopped by with a quick look and "hi". I just responded back and went back to what I came there to do....dance and have fun, and I did. Within minutes I'm approached by this "friend", while waiting for the next song, and I get, "are you ok?, How come you're not returning my calls?". To which I reply, "I'm here to dance, not to talk about stuff between you and I", and she left. Good? Naw it's not over yet.

I continued dancing up until the blues dancing class started, which is held upstairs on another dance floor. It's a different style of dancing not far off from east coast swing, but it's danced in real close. While I'm up there taking the lesson, my "friend", popped in 3-4 times to see what was going on, checking in on me. I saw her standing at the door, just watching everything I did.

I stayed up there for a little bit while working with one of the instructors on the basics, then went back down. That's when I get the barrage of probing questions from the friends that brought my "friend". I knew well what was going on, and only offered up enough info that I thought was enough. It was going to get reported back to her anyway. I then stepped outside because I was text messaging an old friend. He was thinking about coming to hang out, and one of the friends comes out, so I started talking with her. Again, more "so, what have you been up to", type questioning.

I go back inside and the "friend" asks me to dance. I knew the song that they were playing, and it wasn't one of my favorites, so I told her lets wait for the next one. I grabbed my water bottle to fill it up, got some water, and returned back to the floor, not far from her. I then get tapped on the shoulder from her, and she says, "You know what? Forget it." I said, "That's fine".

I had every intention of actually dancing with her at the next song, but instead she chose to act that way, so immature. Her loss. I stuck around for two more songs then headed home.

Whirlwind of a week

Talk about 100 miles and running. Last week was busy. I started out the week with a jog around the neighborhood, which left my legs sore the rest of the week. Still went and hung out with friends, shot two different bands, and went to Disneyland.

I've opened up a new site on the dreaded facebook. This time around I'm using it to showcase my amateur photo works. I don't have high end gear like most of the pros do. I'm trying to make do with what I have. The pics are often noisy, because of the low lighting and high iso that I have to work with in the club setting. I'm looking at getting better lenses sometime soon, I just need to get some other things out of the way.

In the meantime, send a request over to Onionskn.

Yes that's how it was intended to be spelled out. It actually is a term used back in my design days. Onion skin was used to describe the trace paper that we'd overlay our design sketches on top of, to work out design issues. It's an old term, that just stuck. This new site will attempt to showcase some of that at some point.

enjoy

New Identity

Yes, I've done it. My old facebook page, has been taken offline for the time being. No real reason, except that it's a new start, without the bs of having to deal with blocking people. It was either all or none.

My new page, Onionskn, is intended to act as a portfolio of sorts for design and photography. At this point, it's more photography based. I've really taken to it, and am working on developing my eye, and composition, even reached out to a pro, to see if I can shadow her, to learn.

Find me at Onion Skn at facebook.

enjoy

Week ends with a new creative direction

I can't wait till the day is done, the last couple nights are catching up to me. I've been going out and staying out late. It's beginning a regular thing now. I think I'm starting to catch my stride with photography. I'm still very amateur, and I still have lots to learn. I've been browsing all kinds of sites to find my focus. I really dig photojournalism and concert photography. I'm pulling slightly towards the latter while I look for creative ways to sneak candids wherever I go.
Concert photography allows me to be more creative on the fly, trying to capture the essence of the show while interacting with the crowd and music. Again, I still have a lot to learn, and a shit load of expensive lenses to buy to compensate for the low light conditions.

I'm working on my site and hope to have a rough sketch up as soon as I can. In the meantime I've locked down a facebook/gmail account. I'm going to get that up and running this weekend.

Currently listening to the Beatles discog.

Please pay attention to me!

I've become more attuned to my surroundings, when I've gone out on my own. I've always been a people watcher. Social interactions are fun to watch.

While separated, I've started to pick up on things that women do to get attention. It's funny, how caddy some of these things are, yet most of the time we miss these subtle hints, leaving the girl to wonder, "is he interested in me?", "does he even notice me?".
Here's the deal.
There's this gal at the place that I dance at. I've never asked her to dance before, in all the years that I had seen her around. I finally asked her to dance and ever since then she has sought me out. She's a great dancer, and she has been complimentary towards me. She has been very touchy feely and very open, in conversation. She peaked my interest right, but I'm playing the cards close to the chest. There is another gal involved whom I'll get to later.

This gal, the one that has been seeking me out, recently gave me her number, without even asking. Telling me to call/text her when I go out dancing. I figured ok, I'll give it a shot. Last Friday I followed through and sure enough she showed. Most of the time she'll seek me out to dance, I'll dance with her and sit and chat for a bit before I go dance with others. It is social dancing, so I try to move around a lot.

I'm not really thinking too much about it, just letting it play itself out. She's an attractive gal and I'm a broken man, on the mend. So I back off a bit to find out that she's interested in another guy that dances there. So, ok, my feelings aren't hurt, there's another skywalker, in the waiting.

This last Tuesday I show up to dance, and she shows up. I sit on the opposite side of the dance floor, and here she comes. So I dance with her. This gal is a very bluesy kind of dancer. The kind that likes to dance really close in. So I oblige, while she writhing around sticking her ass out, etc. I can't help but notice all this, but I'm ignoring it. She comes back t me with, " you didn't even look at me when I did that". Mind you we're dancing in front of mirrors all this time. I did get a quick look, wow. I played it off and told her that I was paying attention to the music, and let it go.

I ran into her a couple times that night, not really sticking around while she's pining around for this guy. I'm not even sure I'm interested in her, I've been looking at another gal. She seems disappointed that she wasn't getting the attention and just kinda sat around doing nothing,looking bummed out. She wasn't getting the attention she was looking for. The dude she was trying for was busy dancing with other gals. Which brings me to this.

This gal is trying too hard. Trying to draw too much attention. It's a turn off. The people that I find attractive are the ones that aren't screaming "Look at me!".

On to the other gal. She doesn't scream for attention, and that makes her even hotter. Of course she's younger, it's the swing scene. The only problem is, is that she's moving out of state at the end of the month. Bummer. Subtle hints have been thrown my way, and I've been watching/listening.
How much clearer can you be, when her friend is clearly pointing at me when asking her if I had asked her to dance? I've known her name from the first time I danced with her, just haven't called her by it. Haven't really talked to her much either. She's a great dancer, and super cute. I danced with her twice this last week, which she seemed really excited about. I've got to drill down a lil deeper, hopefully she'll show up Friday.

The week in review

Wow, the weeks are just flying by. The only thing that still bothers me are Sundays and Mondays. Those are still the worst days of the week, because it's the start of a new week and my situation with M, still hasn't changed.
It's like the groundhog's day movie. Constantly repeating itself. I felt down and blue, missing M, and thinking about us. Real bummer. But as the week progresses it gets better. I've been going out dancing. So far this week, I've gone out Tuesday night, last night, tonight I'm going to take the camera with me, and shoot pics around downtown Fullerton, and check out an old friend's band. I've already checked to make sure cameras are allowed. It should be a good time. Friday night I'm back dancing, Saturday, probably Disney again with, "The Mange". Otherwise dancing again. That has been my typical week. Tiring yes, but am building a tolerance to it.

Sometimes my work hours suck. I work 6-3 mon-fri. I normally get to bed at anywhere between 9:30 and 10:30, because I get up at 4:30 am. So when I go out I try to get back by at least 11. Sometimes it works out, other times it catches up to me and compounds, then I'll need a nap.

Great song, swimmin in my head right now

Head's a swimmin

Not much to report so far. My head has just been swimming around lately. Usually a visit to church after works cures it, but I can't concentrate there either. I got a hold of some old music and have been listening to that throughout the day, listening to the lyrics.

Oh, yeah. I disabled my facebook page as well, for now. I have no use for it, and it's for the better. Do I miss it? Not really. Not right now. I've danced around it a couple months back, only to reactivate it. This time it's staying that way. The only people that I consider friends these days are the ones I talk to/see regularly. I don't have time for all 300 hundred something of yuz. Time to move on.

Maybe I'll design a feature on my site, soon.

Missing

I intended to continue writing through the previous post, but am feeling a little blue right now.

I'm letting the mind wander again, which hasn't been good, in the past. I'm feeling that I miss Monica. What's funny is that now, I don't care to call her my wife, nor Monica. It has since been shortened to just the letter "M".

I was doing the laundry in between posts, and it just kinda hit. I logged on to facebook, which I haven't done in a couple months now, and went to her page. I looked through her pics and saw the old pics on there, as well as some of our wedding pics that were still there. It made me sad.

I've been going back and forth about nuking my account, and I think I'm gonna restrict it, so sorry if you're unable to see certain things on my site. I really intended to nuke it, but I don't want to kill it just yet. There are some people that I want to keep in touch with, that I just met. Yeah, I know there are other avenues to meet and keep in touch with people, and will get to that point later.

This just kinda sucks ya know?

The week in review

This last week would've been somewhat eventful, hadn't I got my job back. I had the entire week planned out, and was ready to go, when I was asked to return to work on Wednesday. I didn't feel like going back, after being terminated. I had shut myself off to work and was going to use the time to relax, hangout, and meet new people. I needed my own reboot, but I went back anyway. I still stuck to my plans, afterwards, just had to modify them a bit.

The whole week, was a busy one. I'm almost happy to be here typing this out. I've been out late the entire week, out having a good time. I've got my new favorite morning drink, a mimosa. Wow, that was refreshing yesterday. Coupled that with a pulled pork po-boy and beignets....breakfast is served.

As usual, been taking the camera with me, everywhere I go. This time I swapped out my regular 18-135, and opted for the telephoto, 55-250. I haven't been using that lens that much, figured I'd try something different. They're not fast lenses, which kinda sucks in low light. My next purchase is a 50mm/1.4. If I keep this up, I may upgrade to the 5D/Mark3 this coming September/October. That's gonna cost some serious coin.