Unsure

Ok, so I've been "dating" a new girl for the last month. She's a sweet girl, and I'm really enjoying the time spent with her. What I'm finding is that it is raising some feelings that I'm not sure how to deal with. Granted, again this has only been a month. Most recently I've started to feel certain things, wanting to feel some sense of assurance. This is all erased when we meet up and hangout and enjoy each other's company.

I have learned a lot and have been able to put to practice many of the things that counseling has provided. That has been truly helpful.

We haven't made anything "exclusive", and I'm not rushing in to things. I've gotten the sense that the feelings are mutual. We both like each other a lot. We've got things in common.

I get the feeling that maybe those words are right around the corner. You know which ones I'm talking about. Would I accept it? Sure. Would I reciprocate? Not sure.

I never say those words, until I feel and know that it's what I'm feeling. The problem would be, how to let her down gently. She really is a sweet girl. A girl that has been in controlling relationships, and that is used to being mistreated. Wow...that's a new one.

Because we haven't made a move towards exclusivity, no boundaries have been set. I'm pretty sure at this point, what we've been doing the last month has cemented the idea that we're a couple. However there is one thing that I am not comfortable with.

Here's the "but". She has a friend that she is close with. Close as in there's a physical curiousity, between the two. I have seen them kiss in public, and I wasn't sure how it made me feel, until after the fact. I didn't like it.

This last week I asked her what the deal was between her and the friend, and she said that they had only kissed and fondled parts upstairs, never went the full route. Most recently, we were in a jacuzzi scenario, and her friend pulled her in close. I wasn't keen about it. This is where it leaves me questioning things. Her friend is actively dating other guys at this time, so I feel a little uncomfortable about why she's doing this.

I did approach her about it, and it visibly made her uncomfortable, in talking about it. I dropped it because of that, and changed the subject. If/when the exclusivity talk comes in to play, this is a boundary that I need to set.

The girl digs me, and I dig her too. Why add this to the mix?

My winter has passed, spring and summer await

It has been sometime since I've last posted. So much has gone on it's hard to figure out where to start.
The death of one relationship, brings on the birth of a few new ones. I'm at a place where I am happy, not because others are around to make me feel happy. That's just the icing on the cake. I am happy within myself. That's something I haven't felt in a long time, and it's not something I'm willing to set aside or compromise ever again.

It's finally time, I'm stronger, feeling better than ever. Let's get this over with. A much brighter future awaits without you. Time to jettison you, and any dispicable remnant of you out of my life. There's no backing down, and there will be no friendship between us.

Gloomy Easter....the holidays are going to be the worst

I'm only going to blog about this once. I'm feeling better today, even though it's gloomy outside. Had a good time last night with some people that I knew, and people that I had just met.

A friend is picking me up today to go to a brunch. Anything but home and alone is fine.

The holidays are going to be the hardest. At this point it shouldn't even matter, I've had shit like this go down before. This is no different and it's just a matter of time.

In the car right now. I'll finish this later.

Not feelin it

Out dancing, which used to help me get away. Not tonight, even with the live band. Finding myself thinking about the end. Imagining myself without her, and at the same time, not feeling like I belong here. Now I'm not thinking anything crazy. Just feeling lost. No other way to explain it, but it's an overwhelming feeling of not really feeling. It feels empty.

I'm going back and forth, even still. Do I want her back or not? Why does this have to be so torturous? Why not cut my losses and get outta town. I'm getting the feeling of not belonging in California anymore. It seems like such an easy decision. I wouldn't have to worry about seeing her with someone else.

This is me and how I have handled breakups in the past. But this was different, this is my wife. Essentially a glorified girlfriend for life, ring and all. Why isn't this working out like all the other marriages? Yeah we all have problems, but why call it quits after only 2+ years?

Day's over...next

What a day. It was slightly better than yesterday, only slightly. It's too much to think about, and it's making me tired. I'm doing my absolute best, but wow. The tears and the emotions are so easily triggered. I didn't feel like working today again.

My mind would lapse back to the past, and it's painful. I reached to an old friend during lunch. One of the supervisors recognized that I was looking rough, so we went for a walk outside. He was in the thick of it himself a couple weeks back. What the fuck? I'm surrounded by this shit. I appreciate the not feeling alone in all of this, but now i know too many people that are not too far off from where I'm at. They can all relate, and that's fine, but it sucks.

As much as I've bullshitted about wanting to see other people, I can't do it. I couldn't even entertain the idea, no way, not in this state.

The holidays are going to be tough, and I wish I had someone around, so I wasn't feeling so lost and lonely.

I miss my big bro. He has been there for me through all this, and I appreciate the time, energy and patience, I really do. We're not even blood related. We've been through a lot together, and I'm greatful to have him around. He's my best friend and the best roommate that I've ever had.

And...cue the rain.

Damnit..is it time to leave yet?

Took a seat on the rollercoaster

So yesterday I took a seat on the rollercoaster. It wasn't a fun ride. I went through the whole range of emotions. Found myself slipping back into a place that I had tried so hard to leave, the last couple months. My eyes still burn from yesterday's tears. I feel tired and exhausted, but I'm here at work, the least place I'd rather be but it's better than anywhere else. It'll keep me busy, for the time being, but it's not going to make me happy.

This is possibly the stupidest thing to say, and I know it, but I'm going to let it out. My life is over.

Now, allow me to contradict myself. My life is not over. Yes, the last year and a half has been shitty, that's a given. No one can make me happy but myself. I cannot expect others to be able to make me happy. If I'm not happy, then it's up to me to do something about it. It's time to stop being passive aggressive, and start focusing on myself. That's where my head has been, and that's where it should be now.

I can't undo the last 5 and a half years of my life. Yesterday I told my good friend Tim, that I felt like I wasted my time. I haven't wasted anything. This was an experience to learn from. It will only prepare me for the next bigger, better step in my life.

Don't get hungry
Don't get angry
Don't get lonely
Don't get tired








Now is not the time to make big decisions. My gut reaction is to pack everything up and disappear, elsewhere. But I have to heal myself first. If I don't allow myself to go through the whole range of emotions, it will haunt me anywhere I go.

The first step to getting on the rollercoaster, is sitting in the car

It's always the day after that hurts the most. Last night it hadn't entirely sunken.

I got into work this morning and started typing up my response to her last email, which included her being ready to file for divorce. I was ok for a bit, had a good friend of mine help me weed through the draft and sharpen it to a fine point.

While going through it, I couldn't help but cry. I tried so hard to hold it back and was able to put it at bay temporarily, but it kept flowing.

I've somewhat stabilized myself for the time being, but even as I write this the tears are starting to form. I'm leaving work early today, to hang out with a good friend.

Why am I crying? I'm crying because the unknown is now a reality, and even though I've gotten stronger I can't deny how I feel. I did everything that I could to make this right, while she sat back and did nothing. She decided to walk rather than face the issues at hand. Quitter!

Then why









It always hits hardest the day after. I came into work this morning and began typing my response to her email, including the part about being ready to file for divorce.

I was ok up until a good friend started to help me refine my response to a fine point. Then the rain started pouring. I did my best to stop it at times. I'm leaving early today. Going to hang out with a good friend.

Why am I crying?
I put my best effort forward to save this, while she did nothing. She's choosing to dodge the issues and quit. Quitter!

Why am I crying?
I did everything you could. I deserve better. She's only going to repeat her behaviors with someone else. I don't need that.

I'm upset because I've lost so much over the last year and a half despite my best efforts to sustain them. Our house, my job, unemployment, my wife, my job again! What the fuck? It's no reason why I'm allowing myself to feel this way.

I don't feel welcome anywhere. I feel lost. Nowhere feels comfortable right now. I'm considering packing up and moving out of state.

That's all for now.