Unsure

Ok, so I've been "dating" a new girl for the last month. She's a sweet girl, and I'm really enjoying the time spent with her. What I'm finding is that it is raising some feelings that I'm not sure how to deal with. Granted, again this has only been a month. Most recently I've started to feel certain things, wanting to feel some sense of assurance. This is all erased when we meet up and hangout and enjoy each other's company.

I have learned a lot and have been able to put to practice many of the things that counseling has provided. That has been truly helpful.

We haven't made anything "exclusive", and I'm not rushing in to things. I've gotten the sense that the feelings are mutual. We both like each other a lot. We've got things in common.

I get the feeling that maybe those words are right around the corner. You know which ones I'm talking about. Would I accept it? Sure. Would I reciprocate? Not sure.

I never say those words, until I feel and know that it's what I'm feeling. The problem would be, how to let her down gently. She really is a sweet girl. A girl that has been in controlling relationships, and that is used to being mistreated. Wow...that's a new one.

Because we haven't made a move towards exclusivity, no boundaries have been set. I'm pretty sure at this point, what we've been doing the last month has cemented the idea that we're a couple. However there is one thing that I am not comfortable with.

Here's the "but". She has a friend that she is close with. Close as in there's a physical curiousity, between the two. I have seen them kiss in public, and I wasn't sure how it made me feel, until after the fact. I didn't like it.

This last week I asked her what the deal was between her and the friend, and she said that they had only kissed and fondled parts upstairs, never went the full route. Most recently, we were in a jacuzzi scenario, and her friend pulled her in close. I wasn't keen about it. This is where it leaves me questioning things. Her friend is actively dating other guys at this time, so I feel a little uncomfortable about why she's doing this.

I did approach her about it, and it visibly made her uncomfortable, in talking about it. I dropped it because of that, and changed the subject. If/when the exclusivity talk comes in to play, this is a boundary that I need to set.

The girl digs me, and I dig her too. Why add this to the mix?

My winter has passed, spring and summer await

It has been sometime since I've last posted. So much has gone on it's hard to figure out where to start.
The death of one relationship, brings on the birth of a few new ones. I'm at a place where I am happy, not because others are around to make me feel happy. That's just the icing on the cake. I am happy within myself. That's something I haven't felt in a long time, and it's not something I'm willing to set aside or compromise ever again.

It's finally time, I'm stronger, feeling better than ever. Let's get this over with. A much brighter future awaits without you. Time to jettison you, and any dispicable remnant of you out of my life. There's no backing down, and there will be no friendship between us.

Gloomy Easter....the holidays are going to be the worst

I'm only going to blog about this once. I'm feeling better today, even though it's gloomy outside. Had a good time last night with some people that I knew, and people that I had just met.

A friend is picking me up today to go to a brunch. Anything but home and alone is fine.

The holidays are going to be the hardest. At this point it shouldn't even matter, I've had shit like this go down before. This is no different and it's just a matter of time.

In the car right now. I'll finish this later.

Not feelin it

Out dancing, which used to help me get away. Not tonight, even with the live band. Finding myself thinking about the end. Imagining myself without her, and at the same time, not feeling like I belong here. Now I'm not thinking anything crazy. Just feeling lost. No other way to explain it, but it's an overwhelming feeling of not really feeling. It feels empty.

I'm going back and forth, even still. Do I want her back or not? Why does this have to be so torturous? Why not cut my losses and get outta town. I'm getting the feeling of not belonging in California anymore. It seems like such an easy decision. I wouldn't have to worry about seeing her with someone else.

This is me and how I have handled breakups in the past. But this was different, this is my wife. Essentially a glorified girlfriend for life, ring and all. Why isn't this working out like all the other marriages? Yeah we all have problems, but why call it quits after only 2+ years?

Day's over...next

What a day. It was slightly better than yesterday, only slightly. It's too much to think about, and it's making me tired. I'm doing my absolute best, but wow. The tears and the emotions are so easily triggered. I didn't feel like working today again.

My mind would lapse back to the past, and it's painful. I reached to an old friend during lunch. One of the supervisors recognized that I was looking rough, so we went for a walk outside. He was in the thick of it himself a couple weeks back. What the fuck? I'm surrounded by this shit. I appreciate the not feeling alone in all of this, but now i know too many people that are not too far off from where I'm at. They can all relate, and that's fine, but it sucks.

As much as I've bullshitted about wanting to see other people, I can't do it. I couldn't even entertain the idea, no way, not in this state.

The holidays are going to be tough, and I wish I had someone around, so I wasn't feeling so lost and lonely.

I miss my big bro. He has been there for me through all this, and I appreciate the time, energy and patience, I really do. We're not even blood related. We've been through a lot together, and I'm greatful to have him around. He's my best friend and the best roommate that I've ever had.

And...cue the rain.

Damnit..is it time to leave yet?

Took a seat on the rollercoaster

So yesterday I took a seat on the rollercoaster. It wasn't a fun ride. I went through the whole range of emotions. Found myself slipping back into a place that I had tried so hard to leave, the last couple months. My eyes still burn from yesterday's tears. I feel tired and exhausted, but I'm here at work, the least place I'd rather be but it's better than anywhere else. It'll keep me busy, for the time being, but it's not going to make me happy.

This is possibly the stupidest thing to say, and I know it, but I'm going to let it out. My life is over.

Now, allow me to contradict myself. My life is not over. Yes, the last year and a half has been shitty, that's a given. No one can make me happy but myself. I cannot expect others to be able to make me happy. If I'm not happy, then it's up to me to do something about it. It's time to stop being passive aggressive, and start focusing on myself. That's where my head has been, and that's where it should be now.

I can't undo the last 5 and a half years of my life. Yesterday I told my good friend Tim, that I felt like I wasted my time. I haven't wasted anything. This was an experience to learn from. It will only prepare me for the next bigger, better step in my life.

Don't get hungry
Don't get angry
Don't get lonely
Don't get tired








Now is not the time to make big decisions. My gut reaction is to pack everything up and disappear, elsewhere. But I have to heal myself first. If I don't allow myself to go through the whole range of emotions, it will haunt me anywhere I go.

The first step to getting on the rollercoaster, is sitting in the car

It's always the day after that hurts the most. Last night it hadn't entirely sunken.

I got into work this morning and started typing up my response to her last email, which included her being ready to file for divorce. I was ok for a bit, had a good friend of mine help me weed through the draft and sharpen it to a fine point.

While going through it, I couldn't help but cry. I tried so hard to hold it back and was able to put it at bay temporarily, but it kept flowing.

I've somewhat stabilized myself for the time being, but even as I write this the tears are starting to form. I'm leaving work early today, to hang out with a good friend.

Why am I crying? I'm crying because the unknown is now a reality, and even though I've gotten stronger I can't deny how I feel. I did everything that I could to make this right, while she sat back and did nothing. She decided to walk rather than face the issues at hand. Quitter!

Then why









It always hits hardest the day after. I came into work this morning and began typing my response to her email, including the part about being ready to file for divorce.

I was ok up until a good friend started to help me refine my response to a fine point. Then the rain started pouring. I did my best to stop it at times. I'm leaving early today. Going to hang out with a good friend.

Why am I crying?
I put my best effort forward to save this, while she did nothing. She's choosing to dodge the issues and quit. Quitter!

Why am I crying?
I did everything you could. I deserve better. She's only going to repeat her behaviors with someone else. I don't need that.

I'm upset because I've lost so much over the last year and a half despite my best efforts to sustain them. Our house, my job, unemployment, my wife, my job again! What the fuck? It's no reason why I'm allowing myself to feel this way.

I don't feel welcome anywhere. I feel lost. Nowhere feels comfortable right now. I'm considering packing up and moving out of state.

That's all for now.

And so a new chapter begins

It's late, I'm tired, gonna try to get some sleep. More to follow, tomorrow.

It's called "Stalking".............."friend"

So sad.

So I go out dancing last night at one of my old favorite clubs, and in comes two of my old friends, and my quote/unquote wife. Let's refer to her as, "friend", since she likes to use that word a lot.

So they come in, they stopped by to say "hi", and she stopped by with a quick look and "hi". I just responded back and went back to what I came there to do....dance and have fun, and I did. Within minutes I'm approached by this "friend", while waiting for the next song, and I get, "are you ok?, How come you're not returning my calls?". To which I reply, "I'm here to dance, not to talk about stuff between you and I", and she left. Good? Naw it's not over yet.

I continued dancing up until the blues dancing class started, which is held upstairs on another dance floor. It's a different style of dancing not far off from east coast swing, but it's danced in real close. While I'm up there taking the lesson, my "friend", popped in 3-4 times to see what was going on, checking in on me. I saw her standing at the door, just watching everything I did.

I stayed up there for a little bit while working with one of the instructors on the basics, then went back down. That's when I get the barrage of probing questions from the friends that brought my "friend". I knew well what was going on, and only offered up enough info that I thought was enough. It was going to get reported back to her anyway. I then stepped outside because I was text messaging an old friend. He was thinking about coming to hang out, and one of the friends comes out, so I started talking with her. Again, more "so, what have you been up to", type questioning.

I go back inside and the "friend" asks me to dance. I knew the song that they were playing, and it wasn't one of my favorites, so I told her lets wait for the next one. I grabbed my water bottle to fill it up, got some water, and returned back to the floor, not far from her. I then get tapped on the shoulder from her, and she says, "You know what? Forget it." I said, "That's fine".

I had every intention of actually dancing with her at the next song, but instead she chose to act that way, so immature. Her loss. I stuck around for two more songs then headed home.

Whirlwind of a week

Talk about 100 miles and running. Last week was busy. I started out the week with a jog around the neighborhood, which left my legs sore the rest of the week. Still went and hung out with friends, shot two different bands, and went to Disneyland.

I've opened up a new site on the dreaded facebook. This time around I'm using it to showcase my amateur photo works. I don't have high end gear like most of the pros do. I'm trying to make do with what I have. The pics are often noisy, because of the low lighting and high iso that I have to work with in the club setting. I'm looking at getting better lenses sometime soon, I just need to get some other things out of the way.

In the meantime, send a request over to Onionskn.

Yes that's how it was intended to be spelled out. It actually is a term used back in my design days. Onion skin was used to describe the trace paper that we'd overlay our design sketches on top of, to work out design issues. It's an old term, that just stuck. This new site will attempt to showcase some of that at some point.

enjoy

New Identity

Yes, I've done it. My old facebook page, has been taken offline for the time being. No real reason, except that it's a new start, without the bs of having to deal with blocking people. It was either all or none.

My new page, Onionskn, is intended to act as a portfolio of sorts for design and photography. At this point, it's more photography based. I've really taken to it, and am working on developing my eye, and composition, even reached out to a pro, to see if I can shadow her, to learn.

Find me at Onion Skn at facebook.

enjoy

Week ends with a new creative direction

I can't wait till the day is done, the last couple nights are catching up to me. I've been going out and staying out late. It's beginning a regular thing now. I think I'm starting to catch my stride with photography. I'm still very amateur, and I still have lots to learn. I've been browsing all kinds of sites to find my focus. I really dig photojournalism and concert photography. I'm pulling slightly towards the latter while I look for creative ways to sneak candids wherever I go.
Concert photography allows me to be more creative on the fly, trying to capture the essence of the show while interacting with the crowd and music. Again, I still have a lot to learn, and a shit load of expensive lenses to buy to compensate for the low light conditions.

I'm working on my site and hope to have a rough sketch up as soon as I can. In the meantime I've locked down a facebook/gmail account. I'm going to get that up and running this weekend.

Currently listening to the Beatles discog.

Please pay attention to me!

I've become more attuned to my surroundings, when I've gone out on my own. I've always been a people watcher. Social interactions are fun to watch.

While separated, I've started to pick up on things that women do to get attention. It's funny, how caddy some of these things are, yet most of the time we miss these subtle hints, leaving the girl to wonder, "is he interested in me?", "does he even notice me?".
Here's the deal.
There's this gal at the place that I dance at. I've never asked her to dance before, in all the years that I had seen her around. I finally asked her to dance and ever since then she has sought me out. She's a great dancer, and she has been complimentary towards me. She has been very touchy feely and very open, in conversation. She peaked my interest right, but I'm playing the cards close to the chest. There is another gal involved whom I'll get to later.

This gal, the one that has been seeking me out, recently gave me her number, without even asking. Telling me to call/text her when I go out dancing. I figured ok, I'll give it a shot. Last Friday I followed through and sure enough she showed. Most of the time she'll seek me out to dance, I'll dance with her and sit and chat for a bit before I go dance with others. It is social dancing, so I try to move around a lot.

I'm not really thinking too much about it, just letting it play itself out. She's an attractive gal and I'm a broken man, on the mend. So I back off a bit to find out that she's interested in another guy that dances there. So, ok, my feelings aren't hurt, there's another skywalker, in the waiting.

This last Tuesday I show up to dance, and she shows up. I sit on the opposite side of the dance floor, and here she comes. So I dance with her. This gal is a very bluesy kind of dancer. The kind that likes to dance really close in. So I oblige, while she writhing around sticking her ass out, etc. I can't help but notice all this, but I'm ignoring it. She comes back t me with, " you didn't even look at me when I did that". Mind you we're dancing in front of mirrors all this time. I did get a quick look, wow. I played it off and told her that I was paying attention to the music, and let it go.

I ran into her a couple times that night, not really sticking around while she's pining around for this guy. I'm not even sure I'm interested in her, I've been looking at another gal. She seems disappointed that she wasn't getting the attention and just kinda sat around doing nothing,looking bummed out. She wasn't getting the attention she was looking for. The dude she was trying for was busy dancing with other gals. Which brings me to this.

This gal is trying too hard. Trying to draw too much attention. It's a turn off. The people that I find attractive are the ones that aren't screaming "Look at me!".

On to the other gal. She doesn't scream for attention, and that makes her even hotter. Of course she's younger, it's the swing scene. The only problem is, is that she's moving out of state at the end of the month. Bummer. Subtle hints have been thrown my way, and I've been watching/listening.
How much clearer can you be, when her friend is clearly pointing at me when asking her if I had asked her to dance? I've known her name from the first time I danced with her, just haven't called her by it. Haven't really talked to her much either. She's a great dancer, and super cute. I danced with her twice this last week, which she seemed really excited about. I've got to drill down a lil deeper, hopefully she'll show up Friday.

The week in review

Wow, the weeks are just flying by. The only thing that still bothers me are Sundays and Mondays. Those are still the worst days of the week, because it's the start of a new week and my situation with M, still hasn't changed.
It's like the groundhog's day movie. Constantly repeating itself. I felt down and blue, missing M, and thinking about us. Real bummer. But as the week progresses it gets better. I've been going out dancing. So far this week, I've gone out Tuesday night, last night, tonight I'm going to take the camera with me, and shoot pics around downtown Fullerton, and check out an old friend's band. I've already checked to make sure cameras are allowed. It should be a good time. Friday night I'm back dancing, Saturday, probably Disney again with, "The Mange". Otherwise dancing again. That has been my typical week. Tiring yes, but am building a tolerance to it.

Sometimes my work hours suck. I work 6-3 mon-fri. I normally get to bed at anywhere between 9:30 and 10:30, because I get up at 4:30 am. So when I go out I try to get back by at least 11. Sometimes it works out, other times it catches up to me and compounds, then I'll need a nap.

Great song, swimmin in my head right now

Head's a swimmin

Not much to report so far. My head has just been swimming around lately. Usually a visit to church after works cures it, but I can't concentrate there either. I got a hold of some old music and have been listening to that throughout the day, listening to the lyrics.

Oh, yeah. I disabled my facebook page as well, for now. I have no use for it, and it's for the better. Do I miss it? Not really. Not right now. I've danced around it a couple months back, only to reactivate it. This time it's staying that way. The only people that I consider friends these days are the ones I talk to/see regularly. I don't have time for all 300 hundred something of yuz. Time to move on.

Maybe I'll design a feature on my site, soon.

Missing

I intended to continue writing through the previous post, but am feeling a little blue right now.

I'm letting the mind wander again, which hasn't been good, in the past. I'm feeling that I miss Monica. What's funny is that now, I don't care to call her my wife, nor Monica. It has since been shortened to just the letter "M".

I was doing the laundry in between posts, and it just kinda hit. I logged on to facebook, which I haven't done in a couple months now, and went to her page. I looked through her pics and saw the old pics on there, as well as some of our wedding pics that were still there. It made me sad.

I've been going back and forth about nuking my account, and I think I'm gonna restrict it, so sorry if you're unable to see certain things on my site. I really intended to nuke it, but I don't want to kill it just yet. There are some people that I want to keep in touch with, that I just met. Yeah, I know there are other avenues to meet and keep in touch with people, and will get to that point later.

This just kinda sucks ya know?

The week in review

This last week would've been somewhat eventful, hadn't I got my job back. I had the entire week planned out, and was ready to go, when I was asked to return to work on Wednesday. I didn't feel like going back, after being terminated. I had shut myself off to work and was going to use the time to relax, hangout, and meet new people. I needed my own reboot, but I went back anyway. I still stuck to my plans, afterwards, just had to modify them a bit.

The whole week, was a busy one. I'm almost happy to be here typing this out. I've been out late the entire week, out having a good time. I've got my new favorite morning drink, a mimosa. Wow, that was refreshing yesterday. Coupled that with a pulled pork po-boy and beignets....breakfast is served.

As usual, been taking the camera with me, everywhere I go. This time I swapped out my regular 18-135, and opted for the telephoto, 55-250. I haven't been using that lens that much, figured I'd try something different. They're not fast lenses, which kinda sucks in low light. My next purchase is a 50mm/1.4. If I keep this up, I may upgrade to the 5D/Mark3 this coming September/October. That's gonna cost some serious coin.

I got my job back....damn! I had the week planned out too.

Yup. I got the call today. My name has been cleared, and I was asked to come back to work. Am I excited? Ehhh, yes and no. I had this week planned out already, now I'm going back to work....bummer.

The reporting agency was able to clear me out of a list of individuals, this time using my social security number. Gee! Wow! Ya think they would've done that to begin with. A-holes! Thanks for vacation.

I was at Disneyland today, for a lil while, then off to my counseling appointment. I was going to pursue a late night of dancing but will have to trade it in for Friday night. I'm still going out regardless. I was really hoping to go back Monday night, and I was second guessing going in tomorrow.

I got a new strap for my camera, and memory card. Woohoo! Next step, possibly this Friday. I'm looking at the 50mm/1.4 lens, for my camera. It's 430 bucks. I'm gonna weigh that one out until then.

Judging by the photos that I'm taking, I could really use a good low light lens, as well as a speed light, either 430ex or the 580ex.......a difference of 200 bucks or so between the two. I'm really having a lot of fun with this, and the comments that I've gotten from friends have helped me to really hone my skills and develop my eye.

Goin dancin. Wishe me luck.

Moving on for now

In light of everything else that has been going on. There is an opportunity to move forward, and I'm willing to take a step in that direction.

I've been going out dancing 2-3 times a week now, and have been noticing a few of the gals that have been showing up. Now I know that I've really been wanting some companionship, and that has not changed. I cannot/ will not stray from my marriage. I can't go down that route. I will not lead anyone on, I can't do that.

I want to go out and have some fun. I want someone I can call up and hangout with, whether it's dancing, Disneyland, etc. I don't want a relationship, just a companion, and unfortunately I don't feel like I can take my wife with me, and feel like I can have a good time. I feel that we have a lot of things to work through, and I feel that I have to be civil and tread lightly around her. That's not fun, and I'm getting too old for bullshit.

My wife has given me permission to date, while she figures herself out. She actually said, and I'm not making this up, she said "If you feel the need to date, go ahead and date, but am I going to be jealous, of course, I'm going to be jealous." Those were her words, word for word.

She also said, "Until I get my own place, I'm not going to be able to feel like I have a place of my own, where no one can kick me out." Well she hasn't exactly been saving money to get out from her parents. She has been spending. I have a better chance of moving out than her.

I really don't like who she has become. She lied to me, now she's lying to everyone else. Where does it stop?

Just today, she told me to keep a lid on it, if her mom asks me about whether or not she shared a room in Vegas. She went on to say, that it's none of her mom's business. Well honey....I'm not going to lie to your mom. It's not my business either. You need to square it up with your mom. It's not my fault your relationship is strained with your mom. You made your own bed...sleep in it, and keep me out.

Come back to me when you're ready to be mature, and you want to figure our shit out together.

Now let me clarify all this. I'm not doing this out of spite or frustration, but c'mon. I'm doing all the heavy lifting here, and I've yet to see my wife do anything to indicate otherwise that she's even interested in continuing the relationship. I feel that I can't talk to her about it without the conversation getting uncomfortable. We both agreed not to talk about the past, and I've stuck to it. She has been bringing up the past, and doesn't seem to be moving forward herself. I love her, and I feel sorry for her, but I have to keep moving forward, even if that means leaving her behind.

Will she catch up? Who knows? It has been over if not close to 3 months now, and I'm still hoping that we can eventually work things out, but it's the same story still. I'll keep working on myself in the meantime and move forward.

Anyway, there's a cute girl that has been showing up to Atomic lately. Really cute, great dancer. I was out dancing Friday night and talking with an old friend by the DJ booth. While we were talking, said girl was next to me within earshot. One of her friends come over and was talking to her, she asked, "Did he ask you to dance?", while pointing at me over her shoulder. She said, "No", then announced that she was going home. She grabbed her stuff, stuck around for a couple minutes then wen home. I let it go for now, but it left me guessing, and it made me feel good. It popped up in my head over the weekend, and I kept thinking about it, it made me feel good.

I'm going to ask this gal to dance a lil more often, get to know her, see where it goes. She seems like a cool gal.

As If I didn't have enough shit going on

So.....I was terminated from my job on Friday. Reason? Two botched criminal background checks. Apparently they id'd me with some other Gilbert G Perez who, within the last 4 years, has served jail time and has been convicted of:

Assault with a deadly weapon
Battery
Possession of a controlled substance
2 counts of disorderly conduct

and a partridge in a pear tree.

I failed two background checks, both for the city of San Diego, and LAM research, two accounts that I have/would be supporting.

I was brought into a conference room with my supervisor, another supervisor from a different department, and I had the HR lady in there as well.

The questioning/ interrogation came up, "So, is there anything you want to tell us?" I responded with, "about what?". "You failed the background check for LAM research, that makes 2 checks that you've been unable to pass, and unfortunately we are required to terminate your at will employment with the company." What!

I was in complete and utter shock. All I could was sit there. I was nervous, shaky, and shocked. My whole world which I've been trying to rebuild, was crumbling on me. I tried to explain everything to them, but it was a procedural thing at this point. It didn't matter what I said, the background checks had convicted me. I was angry, and as soon as I got out the meeting, and cleaned up my desk, I went straight home and called up the reporting agency to find out where things got screwed up.

I was routed directly to the vice president of the company who verified some of my information with me and expeditiously got the investigation under way. In the meantime I had filed for unemployment, contacted a lawyer, and talked to Steve, who helped to put things into perspective again.

I couldn't help but feel a little out of control, and emotional. I've been working so hard, in counseling, and dealing with the limbo of my marriage, stumbling along the way and feeling a little bit stronger, then this comes along, and it tore everything apart.

Looking back at it now. I should not have let it affect me so much. It's the hardest thing for me, keeping the wheel from spinning. This time I didn't allow it to spin so long. It was quicker than before, but the damage was there.

I pulled through it, and the path to fix this, is well under way. Unfortunately though I'm looking at a week off, unpaid from work, until it gets straightened out.

It is what it is, it sucks, but it could be a nice week off. The good thing is that my supervisor, who has been by my side from day one, is out to get me my job back. He'll be talking to HR and the other companies, to help me straighten this all out.

My musical ear is betraying me

Whys is it that every song that I happen to like, has some tangential similarity to what's going on in my life. This only makes things harder for me, sometimes.

When the shit hit the fan I stopped doing a lot of things, including listening to my favorite podcasts, radio shows, and music. It took a long time to want to listen to anything, so I started listening to the radio again, for music. It was something I hadn't done in a while, because I didn't like the stuff on the radio. I've been so against it. My wife has been the one to keep up with the new music and had asked me if I liked the new so and so on the so and so station. My answer was always no.

Now I've been more open to new music, and have been exploring new bands, new songs. I've also been going through my collection that I've archived over the years, digitally, and picked out my favorite songs. Being somewhat of a closet musician, the songs that I picked out were ones that always stood out to me musically. I've never been one to sit down and really listen to the lyrics, the music always came first.

As I've been listening to these songs, I found that they all deal with relationships in some form or another. I try to push through them like I normally would unconsciously but the lyrics just hang around this time. This was earlier on but there were old songs that I'd hear in the car alone that would come close to bringing me to tears. I had to stop listening to those for a while.

I'm able to see them in a whole new light now, and I can listen to them and appreciate them more. I have started listening to my old podcasts again. It's not like it used to be. I can start to laugh at/with them from time to time, and that's important.....being able to start laughing again, because it has been a long time.

Someone said, I think it was Steve......"Spring will always follow winter". This winter has been too long.

I'm currently hung up on the Face to Face album, "Ignorance is Bliss", and Neon Trees, "Habits". More specifically their song "Love and Affection". Great song.

Yo ho, yo ho, a spartan's life for me

If there's anything to learn from separation, is nutrition. I've lost 20 pounds in the last 3 months. What's my diet you ask? It's not a diet, but more a lifestyle, for the purists in all of us. It's the lifestyle of a spartan.

The spartan lifestyle is not to be taken lightly folks. Here's a sample of my daily spartan diet, for the day.

Breakfast
2-4 cups of earl grey creme tea
1 small bag of famous amos cookies

Lunch
Apple, banana, or orange
Plain oatmeal

Early afternoon
Apple, banana, or orange
Granola bar

Dinner
Whatever leftovers that reside in the fridge

That's it. The most recent substitution as of this morning was yogurt and trail mix in lieu of the cookies. I also added craisins to sweeten up the oatmeal, and ditched the fruit for now. Also added a Fiber One bar for that extra kick after lunch.

20 pounds down an maintaining folks. That's the spartan way.

By the way, I have to give credit to my spartan lifestyle coach/guru, Steve, for developing and adhering to the ways of the spartan. He's very much the Michael Landon, from Highway to Heaven. When he walks he cuts a swath, deep into the soul.

When people with poor taste in music think they can dj

That was my night folks. Completely killed the mood, and I'm not sure if it was the stress on me, trying out some moves that I hadn't done in a very long time, or just the general lack of good music. I kept the complaining to myself, while this guy who looked Fred Willard, wandered around complaining loudly.

Two DJs failed to played decent music, let alone give decent lessons prior to playing said shitty music. They don't take into account that most of the people here haven't been dancing for too long. The faster and shittier the music, the sloppier and shittier the dancing. It's no wonder some of the old schoolers come in looking baked. They completely get into the zone and claim their space with an aura of, "fuck off, get outta my way".

I look forward to Tuesday nights, because the music is more bluesier and less big bandy. There's opportunity to play and have fun with the music, and it's slower tempo. It's stuff everyone can dance to, no matter the skill level.

So far this venue owes me 18 bucks, for two bad nights. I will get my money back.

The week kinda built itself up as I've been watching videos on Youtube of some old dances that I forgot, like, the standard charleston, both face to face and side to side, some old balboa tricks, a little shag. The fun stuff no one does that often. They don't really teach that stuff. Seems like they only teach the beginner stuff and light intermediate dances, then cut you off.

There was a little anxiety on my part, because I had been practicing the steps on my part and trying to work it into my deal alone. The dynamic of dancing with a mediocre dancer throws it all off. Makes ya look like a half hearted ass. To top it off I wore a pair of shoes that stuck to the floor......great.

I was looking forward to dancing with a couple girls from the week prior, but the music killed it. I could sense that they were waiting for me to ask because they kept hovering around my area. I don't know where these ladies learned how to dance, but they've got the tension down, and I like it. It's kinda like an animal recognizing its own pack. Sorry ladies, next time.

I danced a small handful of times with a coog that has picked me out every time, since I first danced with her. Now I know I haven't danced consistently in a long time, but I didn't lose the , "feel". She picked up on that, and has since been hunting me down every time. She pimps me out to the other ladies there, touting me as one of the best dancers there. I appreciate the ego boost, but hold on lady, I'm just getting back into it, and am rusty. I've got my standard boring go-tos that I'm comfortable moves that I'm comfortable with, and that's it. Tempted to start introducing myself as "Rusty", for the time being.

I've been asked already, how long have I been dancing. I respond with, "Off and On? Close to 15 years now". I feel so damn old.

Back to the coog, and here's the difference between a girl and a coog. A coog has already been to, "The Show". The coog brings an inherent sexuality to the dance, meaning the sense of space gets closer and more comfortable. It could be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on what you're in to. Me? I'm just reporting my experiences. When dancing with a girl, the sense of dance space, is just that, dance space.

Anyway, the night blew. I'm looking for other nights to get out and work on my moves. A shame...I was looking to getting some good dancing in. DJs? Get a clue.

The Chopping Block

So, we have most of our stuff sitting in a storage unit. The rest of it is sitting in her parent's garage.

I've been entertaining the notion of selling off the appliances. The washer, dryer, fridge, and the tv. I'm not attached to those items whatsoever. They're just taking up space. I can confess that my initial intent was to try and elicit a reaction from her, in hopes of her getting off her ass and working on the relationship. Well I wasn't ready, and it almost backfired on me. I wasn't ready for the, "Ok, I have a buyer, how much". I'll never make that mistake ever again.

The decision to sell at this point is purely financial. I'd rather have the money sitting in the bank, untouched gathering interest, than losing money on it. Granted, these are appliances we're talking about, nothing all that big. Her mom advised her that we shouldn't sell the stuff, so that we'd have it for our next place. That spoke to me. Despite what I've been getting from my wife, that one sentence spoke to me. I held onto that, and I questioned the motive to sell the stuff.

This is my logical rationale.

There's always bigger and better. We can buy better stuff with the money later on. The stuff is a pain in the ass to move, might as well get it outta the way. I've got some close friends to thank, for helping me to piece this together. Every decision that has crossed my mind has been over analyzed, over scrutinized, and most likely over calculated. I want to make sure that I'm doing the right thing.

Will she be pissed? Dunno. Probably. She will be aware of it. I won't sell it without her knowing. She has maintained that those were my appliances anyway, since my parents bought them for me and "my house", before she moved in. Gimme a break already lady. That was, "our house", and those are, "our appliances", get over it.

So I've got a buyer for the washer and dryer. I was asking 500 for the pair. They're practically new. I'm settling for 450. The fridge would go for 800 firm, practically new, and the 42" plasma, with Monster power conditioner, I'm entertaining offers between 500 and 600. All practically new.

Any takers?

I've got to make the trek to the storage unit this weekend to gather the Make/Model numbers. I'll post it here, for anyone. I'm thinkin craigslist thereafter.

One Handed Clap Makes No Sound (Part I)

Time for storytelling. This is gonna be a long one, that's well overdue.

Every year I would make it a point to name the new year. I can't remember off the top of my head what I decided to name 2010, but it might as well have been labeled my "London Bridge" year, or something to that effect.

A week into the new year, I got laid off. Kinda saw it coming, working in the architecture industry. The company underwent new ownership, and the new owner ran it into the ground. So I got laid off, while I'm trying to do a loan mod on my house that has lost close to 2/3rds of its value.

I stopped making payments immediately after I was laid off. It was either try to save the house, or stay afloat. I opted to try to stay afloat, with wife and 3 animals in tow. I spent every waking hour thereafter looking for work, any and everywhere. Went 6 months with no activity in the architectural field. I had given up hope at that point, especially hearing that other colleagues had been out of work 2+ years at that point. I had no other choice but to look outside my own profession to try and bring money in. I was nearing my first extension on my unemployment, when I got a job in the IT industry.

Everything is starting to looking up. At the same time this is going on my marriage is slowly falling apart, and I failed to recognize all the signs.

This continued up to my wife's birthday, days before Xmas, when I found inappropriate conversations between her and a married guy that she used to room with years back. It's much clearer now that time has passed. There were things that she was reaching out for that weren't present in our relationship, and along comes a scumbag in a similar situation with his own wife, whom he shares a child with.

Well you can imagine what happened. I blew it up in her face, by presenting to her and exposing her to her family. I was hurt and angry. How could this happen? I went through the full spectrum of emotions, even contemplating sending hard copies of everything that I had to the guy's family, wife family..., you name it. This guy had to be held responsible, and it made no sense to me, that my wife was defending this guy.

She immediately pulls the separation card, which absolutely tore me apart. I went right in to counseling, because it was/is too much. The house had since gone to short sale, and I had that shit to deal with while trying to keep my head straight. It has been really tough.

I packed up all the bare essentials and moved out of the house and have been renting a room at a friend's parent's house, since then. She has been staying at her parents since then, even though she had planned to move into an apartment of her own. At this point it doesn't seem that she's moving anywhere.

It has taken me a long time to try to regroup, and I still struggle from time to time. My wife has made it very clear that she wants a fresh start, take it slow and see where it goes. It still makes no sense to me, because we're married. What do you mean fresh start?

I started going to counseling on my own with the hope that we'd both go to work this out. I love her, and yes we have issues to work on. We've only been married for a lil over 2 years. 2 fuckin years! I was under a lot of stress during that time, trying to make sure we could maintain. It's no excuse, and I've apologized for my mistakes. A lot has been said by both parties out of anger and hurt. I seem to be the only one taking the positive steps to move forward.

This separation has now gone on for 3 months. I've seen miniscule signs here and there on her part, but it's not consistent. The counselor has told me that it could be at least 12-18 months at that, until something is done. I go back and forth, and I'm trying to move forward. I love my wife, but I can't continue to live like this.

I'm greatful for the room that I'm renting and for the hospitality that has been extended to me, but I am not comfortable here. Nowhere feels comfortable right now. This whole separation deal has gone on unplanned, no timeline has been discussed, no official paperwork has been filed, nothing.

She has made most of the effort up front through this, by maintaining communication, even when I didn't feel like talking to her. She wants a fresh start, so I figured, okay, lets start hanging out. I'll take her out from time to time. I've done it once so far, and it seems like it's all about, "me, me, me", coming from her. On top of that we both agreed to move forward and not talk about the past. Well guess who brings up the past, in conversation...her. I let her vent, and not add fuel to the fire. She's being immature, and I'm starting to realize that.

I may not want to be with my wife anymore. It's sad. It's sad because I still love her. My good friend Tim asked me the other day, "Are you in love with her", I responded, no. I have a clearer answer now. What I/we're going through right now is not loving. We're both at fault for this situation. I'm attempting to make an effort on my part, and I'm not seeing any movement or effort on her part.

I was in the shower the other day, and I just replayed some of the things that she has said/texted during all this. Now a lot of this I've thrown out and gone by her actions solely, but some of it still hurts.

I'm not sure how much more of this limbo I can take. I'm very patient, but at the same time, I'm longing for female companionship. Now I know what your thinking but I'm not trying to go there. My marriage takes first priority. I go back and forth on this, a lot more recently, and part of the reason, was that in conversation a while back my wife explicitly said, "If you feel the need to date, then go ahead and date, but am I going to be jealous, of course I'm going to be jealous".

Look I'm not trying to dance outside the marriage. I'm not that type. I made a commitment and I'm sticking to it until it has been dissolved. I still wear my ring, despite that it almost falls off my finger. I've lost 20 pounds through all this. My wife, stopped wearing her ring, because she would get complimented on it by all the patients at her work. It was too painful to her, so she stopped wearing it. I call it a cop-out now. I've been debating whether or not to continue wearing mine. It has been a hard struggle. I know where my head,heart, and commitment lie. The ring is a symbol of that commitment, to me. Who knows what it means to her. She hasn't worn it around me, either. I think it's disrespectful, but that's me.

I'm really trying on my end. I'm still in counseling to help me sort through my own shit, and to straighten myself out. I'm trying to be a better, stronger person, and I will succeed at it. I have even been going to church on my own to pray.

I try to go to the church as often as I can, most of the time after work, anywhere from 3-4 times a week. I'm a baptised Catholic....that's a whole other story, I'll get into later. Never really been a strong practitioner, even distanced myself for years, only going to weddings, funerals, you name it. I'm not saying that I'm a holy roller now, but stopping by to pray was a big step for me. I go in, sit/kneel in an empty pew and pray. I talk about my day, I pray for others around me that are struggling, and I pray that my marriage can be saved. It was hard going into the church the first couple times, because just sitting there and praying, would make me cry. I did my best to conceal it from the others while I was there. It was usually empty. Today I went, and sure enough, I felt the tears stream down my face. That hasn't happened in a long time.

Do I really want to wait it out 12-18 months, while she does nothing? I'm really not sure. I don't want to pull the trigger.

Off the beaten path

Last night I went out with an old friend of mine, to Disneyland. I've been getting into the whole photography thing and have been wanting to take lots of pictures, and experimenting with f stops, shutter speeds, you name it. More importantly, been wanting to see what a 50mm lens would do, so I set my zoom to 50mm, and worked with it.

The best thing about Disneyland is that if you are handicapped, or have a friend that's disabled, you can get right to the front of the lines. No waiting at all for the most part. It's kinda like the VIP pass. I know it sounds bad, but it made the night fun. I've never gotten on so many rides, in a long time. All the rides that I hadn't been on, in along time, I got on.

Last night was also the supermoon. I took a couple shots, but they were during the fireworks show, so I got some extra haze and clouds in the shots. They're ok, but I think I need faster lenses, especially for dark shots. I smell next investment, coming on.

I'm trying to figure out where I wanna go with this. I'm very interested in developing my style as an amateur photojournalist. I'm not in it for money at this point, more for fun and experimenting. I'm working on my website so that I can have something to point people to, with a business card, just for the heck of it.

I'm attaching a mix of some shots from the night. Had to shoot at high ISO, wide open f stop, on a 18-135mm lens, on a Canon 60d. Some came out blurry, my bad. Next time I'll get em right.

I've got a couple better ones on my Picasa page.

Swingout and about

Stayed out late last night, went out and danced a bit at the local swing dance venue. It was nice to get out. I try to get out at least twice a week to break up the humdrum of the work week. Plus I haven't been dancing in a while, it helps to get back in touch with the steps that I thought I had lost.

The crowd has changed quite a bit, which coming from not dancing in a while seems like a misnomer, right? Was it not supposed to change while I was away?

When I started going again, I spent the majority of the time watching the dancers, and determining in my head, "Ok, she's a good dancer, I'll ask her.....she's.....uhhhh...not so great, let's stay away", that kinda thing. It took some time before I was able to actually ask other people to dance, for what reason, I don't know. But I've eventually gotten over it. I think it's the feeling of intimidation. There's a select bunch of girls that really know what they're doing and they pretty much keep to themselves, same goes for the guys, though you don't see it as much. It's more the girls. They stick to their own group, while us guys aimlessly wander about in search of a partner.

Now there's two...actually 3 schools of dancers these days. The ones that actually get it...the ones that kinda get it...and the ones that still don't get it. I give them a medal for trying, but c'mon. The thing that I notice right off the bat is the lack of etiquette, and the lack of counter tension in the dance. Granted that probably is more related to the particular style of swing dancing, but I can tell right off the bat, if the dance is gonna be good, or of it's gonna go south, within the first couple steps. Regardless I do my best so that we both have a good time, during the song.

One thing to watch out for are the people that dress the part. There are still many gals that hide behind the vintage gear to disguise their dancing skills. Not that it's a bad thing, but realize that your'e selling a bill of goods that just isn't right.

Case in point. The other night I was sitting at the bar, when these two girls come up and start chatting away. Both were fairly cute. One was dressed up in the whole vintage get up, tattoos...the whole deal. Very pretty. So I waited for the music to start, and decided to ask this gal to dance. I'm thinking, "Ok this is gonna be a good one." WRONG! It's a shame.....a damn shame. It really was too bad.

It could as well been me too. It could be that the style had changed so much, that, that was why it was weird, but I really don't think so. I had my share of bombs that night, which only meant that I needed to sit out a lil while and resume my anthropological study from the corner of the dance floor. I needed to re-analyze the dancers.

Not much later I asked another gal to dance. I've seen her dance enough before to get a better sense. She was dressed in plain clothes..jeans, shirt, regular clothes. I asked her to dance, and I knew it from the first step, this was the one, the diamond in the rough. Really good follow, had the tension in the arm, perfect.

That was Tuesday night. Last night Friday night, has been mixed. It's mostly big band music, which is tolerable to an extent. Tuesday nights are more bluesy, rock & roll. I can get more out of that style of music than big band these days. On top of that the DJ's on Fridays are assholes. They've got no sense of the crowd.

There's an old dancer that has been showing up the last couple times. He's a nice guy, great dancer, Max.

The DJ kept playing all the faster up tempo stuff that only few people can keep up with and dance to, anymore. The floor was clearing fairly quick. Max went over to the booth and would ask the DJ if he could slow it down. The guy kinda shined him off. I heard him say under his breath, "I don't care, I like it hot". Thanks asshole....why don't you get that on mic next time, so that all the others that paid 10 bucks to dance to your shitty selection, can hear you. What an ass.

Max eventually left, along with the other downtrodden dancers. I stuck around a bit longer then came home.

Back again

Wow, it has been a long time since I've last posted on here. Not much to say, just a whole lot to deal with. Trying to get things back on track, that's for sure.

I recently got a dslr for my birthday and have been out taking lots of pictures and having a lot of doing it. I spend a lot of time researching photojournalists and photographers, and their styles. I'm already looking at upgrading and adding lenses to my arsenal.

Not sure what I'm gonna do this year. I've put my outrigger up for sale. My head isn't in it this year. Dues have gone up, gas has gotten expensive. Just not in the competitive spirit. I'd rather the boat go to someone that will take care of it and appreciate it. It's one the best boats around, and has done me well.

If anyone is interested I've got a washer, dryer, refigerator and a 42" plasma for sale. I'm looking to liquidate asap.

Slowly getting back on my feet. I've got a lot of pent up wit and sarcasm to let loose, as well as pics that I will be posting here, as well while I work on redesigning my site, onionskn.com.

Stay tuned

This house is a cancer

As if I didn't have enough bullshit to deal, the fuckin house just won't away. Very much like the garlic aftertaste, or better yet the persistent aftertaste of a cigar after you've already finished it a day or two earlier. No amount of brushing or rinsing fully gets rid of the leftover notes that linger.

The house was supposed to close on January 14th. Everything had been cleared out prior to that, so it was more than ready for the new owner to move in. That day passed because the banks were dragging their asses. No one could get a straight answer from anyone. I'm sitting around here, with the "what the fuck," attitude the whole time.

The realtor tells me, it'll be another week while the bank approves the 2nd loan. (This is a short sale, I'm not making anything on it, so the bank is taking it in the shorts, basically.....fuck'em I don't care).

So that week goes by, with the understanding that the hard out date for all the docs to be signed was on the 24th. I'm expecting to have everything ready to go, and ready to get over this.......uhh nope. Bank still dragging ass on the 2nd loan.

Finally get an update today. Finally got the approval, it was faxed over to my lender, now the lender is saying that because it went beyond the hard date, that it needs to go to a special committee, for the decision. I've got news for you, committee, "FUCK YOU!!"

Realtor calls back and says that we may have docs in hand to sign tomorrow, and that this could close by this Wednesday or Thursday, he also said that he called the bank to get an extension, for next week. What the fuck for? If you have the docs, why would you wait another week, asshole! I responded by saying that I will be out of town on vacation, and that I will not be standing by any f'n computer, fax machine, none of that. We get this shit done now!

Absolute bullshit! I just want to f'n carpet bomb the place. I've absolutely had enough with this shit.

So..................how was your day?

Crossroads

I haven't posted here in a while. I've gone through a lot lately, both personally, financially, and professionally, and it has taken some time to get back into the swing of things and get back on track. Everyday that I get up the path gets clearer, and things just happen to drop themselves into place, unlike 2010 which was a struggle all around.

In summary, I lost my job, started the process of losing my house, and my close relationships have suffered. The house as it stands is a cancer that refuses to go away. The bank is holding up the sale. It was supposed to close on Jan. 14th, it's now Jan 30th, and I really could give a fuck about it. The house has been empty and cleared out for almost a month now.

I've been going to counseling to cope with all the shit that has been thrown at me, and most recently started going to church again. It has helped, though I'm not entirely comfortable with the setting still. I've been out of the church for so long. I was mainly a wedding/baptism/funeral guy. I haven't been to any of those in a while.

Though it has taken some time, everything is back on the up swing. The tail end of 2010 started to show this. I've passed a few exams, for my job, I'm moving up pretty quick, and soon I'll have a project management spot under my belt.

I've met some cool people at the church that I've been going to. I've been going alone so far. There are quite a bit of young adults that go on their own as well, close to, if not just a lil older than myself, aside from families and the regular crowd. We'll get together afterwards and talk.

Funny how the right people come into my life at the wrong time. That's it for now.